Here we are again good people of Earth.
It’s time for another rendition of Your Horror-Scope brought to you in living color.
It brings a variety of spot on predictions ranging from frogs to bumper stickers.
Isn’t life exciting?
Aries… Uranus is in its eighth house wondering why it has eight houses. You will soon discover that a sledge hammer can be a real deal breaker.
Taurus… Mercury is nearing its cusp of Taurus and is getting nervous about it for some unknown reason. You will soon encounter some children’s togs, or aggressive frogs. It isn’t quite clear at this time.
Gemini… The Gemini twins are constantly arguing at this time over how to decorate their seventh house. Get your writing instrument ready. In the near future, you will make a fortune after you write a bestseller called, “How To Make Cash From A Rash”.
Cancer… The Moon is trine with Cancer now but wants to be on its cusp for unsavory reasons. You should really pay more attention to your vital organs. Soon your unseen spleen will be mean because it feels you neglect it too much.
Leo… Mars is rising fast and it’s getting dizzy. Get ready for a visit to an ophthalmologist. Soon your eyes will become very itchy, then they will become very twitchy.
Virgo… The Sun is in its fourth house cooking for some dinner guests. Get out a good cook book. You will soon marinate a very unsavory character in your life.
Libra… Venus is trine with Libra but square with itself. You should have some first aid supplies with you at all times. In the near future, you will be mauled in a mall by a mysterious mammal or, Dennis Miller. It could go either way.
Scorpio… Pluto is on the cusp of Scorpio but wishes it was trine. We hope this works out for you in the end. Sometime soon you will experience something inferior in the interior of your posterior.
Sagittarius… Saturn is descending now due to some mild depression. This is one magnificent obsession. One day, you will become obsessed with your idea to find chain smokers by using your metal detector.
Capricorn… Neptune is in its eighth house replacing the dish washer. Be especially alert at this time. Your enemies are planning to dissolve you.
Aquarius… The Moon is square with Aquarius at this time. Someday your cleverness will be apparent. In the future you will publish a bestselling bumper sticker which will say, “My heart belongs to my donor”.
Pisces… Venus is on the cusp of Pisces and is very excited about it for unknown reasons. Get ready for a surprise gift. You will soon get a statuette or an ornery, wet pet. It could go either way.
And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved