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astrology

Greetings lovers of the future.

We offer you another round of prognostications on topics ranging from pentagrams to the Post Office.

We urge you to be on the alert when necessary.

The planets are prone to plotting predicaments for us.

Enjoy yourselves and have a good week in spite of any future difficulties which may come your way.

Aries… Mercury is rising now and is getting light headed. In the future you will write a bestseller called, “How To Meander With Mucus”.

Taurus… Uranus is in its fifth house cleaning up after a water leak. In the near future, you will suffer from pent up emotions in a penthouse after drawing pentagrams.

Gemini… Neptune is on the cusp of Gemini at the moment. In the distant future, you will be arrested for socking a Sockeye salmon in Saco, Maine.

Cancer… Venus is in its fourth house polishing the silverware. Get ready to scratch yourself all over. Soon you will become extremely familiar with burlap, and perhaps Dennis Miller wearing a wool suit.

Leo… Mars is square with Leo at this time but wishes to be trine with it for some unknown reason. You should be aware of this. Your enemies are plotting to use you like a doormat.

Virgo… The Earth is in opposition to Virgo at the moment. Get ready for some complaints from everyone you know. You will soon be dependable as a weather forecast.

Libra… The Sun is on the cusp of Libra now. In the near future, you will meet someone completely enchanting named Channing. But, you will soon grow tired of their constant chanting.

Scorpio… Saturn is descending at this time and is worried it won’t stop in time. Be totally aware of everything around you. Your enemies are planning to paint a target on your back.

Sagittarius… Neptune is trine with Sagittarius now. Bring some tissues with you at all times. In the near future, you will bawl in a ballroom after losing a valuable ballpoint pen.

Capricorn… Mercury is in opposition to Capricorn at this moment. You will soon buy a hound’s-tooth jacket infested with fleas. And…it will bark all night, and leave little buttons all over the floor.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in its second house getting it ready for a new renter. This could be serious. Be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to mail you to The Dead Letter Office.

Pisces… Pluto is on the rise right now and ready to go. You will have a confrontation with an unstable stable boy while discussing his instability.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Comments on: "Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 22nd, 2014" (6)

  1. According to the celestial charts, I pays to be on the alert at all times these days.

  2. Sensitive and strong.

  3. It seems that Sagittarius’ are very sensitive people :)!

  4. I knew it. My enemies are closing in this week.

  5. I only know of Carol Channing, actress and singer. She never stayed with us.

  6. I always liked the name Channing, but not so much that I wanted them to stay around long :)P

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