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Archive for July, 2014

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 27th, 2014


astrology

Here we are once again folks with another serving of readings from the Celestial Sphere.

We hope they agree with you, but they probably won’t.

We can’t control the planets any more than the weather forecaster can control the weather.

So, let’s all take it on the chin, and live with it.

What else can we do?

Enjoy.

Aries… You are a clever one. The Moon is in the seventh house repairing a roof leak. In the future, in order to save on car leasing charges for mileage use, you will back up everywhere you go.

Taurus… Apparently you aren’t afraid of heights. Neptune is in opposition at this time. In the future, you will do some house sitting. Unfortunately you will misunderstand the idea of house sitting, and you will fall off the roof after just a few minutes of getting comfy up there.

Gemini… You will seek security. Saturn is rising now and ready to go. You will become a prisoner of your front door, (never moving more than ten feet away from it), when you become overly obsessed with checking to see if it you locked it.

Cancer… Get your water wings ready. Mars is square with Cancer at this time. One day you will swim with the dolphins. Unfortunately it will occur shortly after the ship you are on sinks.

Leo… Hail to the conquering hero. Mercury is descending at this moment. You will inhale a strange substance which will cause you to attack the statue of a local war hero in an attempt to give it a hickey causing you to break two teeth in the process.

Virgo… Ready to play chicken? The Sun is trine with Virgo now. In the near future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to watch rotisserie chickens revolve.

Libra… This could be deadly. Venus is on the cusp of Libra now. Better get some menthol ointment. Soon you will be invited to a celebration. It may just be a surprise autopsy party.

Scorpio… Uranus is in its fifth house fixing a blocked toilet. Whew! In the future, you will go to Dublin and have a great time until someone in a pub does the Irish Jig on your windpipe.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now. Maybe you should buy some kind of helmet. Why?  In the future, something will make you smile a lot. It could be the result of some head trauma.

Capricorn… Pluto is rising at this time. You will meet someone named Basil who will try to add spice to your life.

Aquarius… The Earth is in its third house waiting for a roofing contractor. You will become a powerful force in nature when you begin to attract lightning, or Dennis Miller.

Pisces… You must be interested in hard science. The Sun is square with Pisces now. You will have the uncontrollable urge to put certain letters of alphabet soup in the freezer in order to make iced “T”.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 20th, 2014


astrology

Welcome once again to your Horror-Scope.

We’ve scoured the charts, and almost scorched them.

One of our staff was a little careless with a magnifying glass in the sun.

But, all is well at Horror-Scope Central.

Here are this week’s prognostications for your planning purposes.

We do all this for you, our loyal and faithful followers.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Sun is trine with Aries now. Are you a joiner? You will soon be involved in an art colony or an ant colony. It could go either way. The charts aren’t clear.

Taurus… The Moon is in transit now. Believe this. In the not too distant future, you will meet a veterinarian faith healer who will give try to sight to your blind mole.

Gemini… Pluto is square with Gemini at this time. You must have a unique sense of humor. In the future, you will laugh out of context at the wrong moments in conversations and at funerals.

Cancer… Venus is on the cusp of Gemini at this time. This could bring a lot of grief. In the future, you will encounter a lot of bleach or some steep bleachers.

Leo… Mercury is descending now. Get yourself some boots. Not too long from now you will muddle in a puddle while you are befuddled.

Virgo… Saturn is in its third house watching Honey Boo Boo. You should be aware. Your enemies are planning to inject you with a sweet, gooey filling. Then they will eat you for breakfast with coffee.

Libra… Neptune is in its second house having new carpet installed. We hope you aren’t acrachnophobic. In the near future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to watch a spider eat a fly.

Scorpio… Uranus is in retrograde at this time. Dream on. In the distant future you will have fun watching the clouds go by until you realize you are falling toward the earth without a parachute. Then you will awaken to find yourself on board an aircraft in trouble.

Sagittarius… Mars is in apogee at the moment. We’re sorry to report this prophecy. Sometime in the near future, you will find yourself living in a car, only to be evicted by a repo company.

Capricorn… The Earth is on the cusp of Capricorn now. Maybe you should stay away from all medical people for a while. In the near future, you will be depressed by a tongue depressor.

Aquarius… Mercury is trine with Aquarius. Let’s hope you like heavy equipment. In the future, you will have the urge to buy ear plugs when you decide to date a boom operator.

Pisces… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now. Put your thinking cap on. You will soon try to devise a way to become divisive, kind of like Dennis Miller.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 13th, 2014


astrology

Hello again friends of the unknown, the known, and the semi-known not be confused with the semi-unknown. You know what we mean.

We have been working on this week’s charts feverishly.

In fact, we were so hot, we had to take cold showers.

We have been busy measuring time and space with our exclusive time and space gauges made of space age materials.

We give you our best interpretations, which by the way, are “dead on”, for your living pleasure (if pleasure is even possible) in the coming weeks and months.

In any case, come what may, enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in opposition to Aries at this time. Can you feel it? Brace yourself. In the future, you will embrace a brace with dignity and grace.

Taurus… Mercury is in its fifth house having some new kitchen appliances installed. Be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to send you to a cannery for pickling.

Gemini… Venus is square with Gemini now but wants to be elliptical. We certainly pity you. You poor dear. In the near future, you will fear the blogosphere. It could hurt your career. So watch which way you steer.

Cancer… Saturn is in its seventh house getting ready for a poker night with some asteroids. Stay away from shelled peanuts. You will have a recurring nightmare where you will be trampled by The Elephant Man, or a grossly overweight Dennis Miller. It isn’t clear at this time.

Leo… Mars is descending at this moment. It will hit bottom soon. In the future, you will get tired quickly after this endeavor. You will tell your inner most secrets to an inner tube near an intersection.

Virgo… Pluto is going to the vet this week. In the near future, you will find a throbbing heart in a shopping cart in the heart of a city.

Libra… Neptune is in its third house having the swimming pool resurfaced. In the distant future, you will find a darling dolly on an abandoned trolley not too far from a trollop holding a tulip.

Scorpio… The Earth is trine with Scorpio now but wants to be square. Someone wants to have some words with you. Not long from now, you will have the compulsion to insure your entire vocabulary with Lloyds of London.

Sagittarius… The Moon is on the cusp of Sagittarius this week. Watch your step. You will win a free trip to Hawaii, but your vacation will be ruined when you are viciously attacked by a gang of roving pineapples.

Capricorn… The Sun is in its seventh house interviewing a new cleaning lady. You won’t get very far with this. In the future, you will try to surf on sound waves, but you will fall when you trip over a decibel.

Aquarius… Jupiter is rising now and on the cusp of Aquarius. This one’s for the birds. You will soon find a safe haven with a raven near New Haven.

Pisces… Pluto is square with Pisces now. You will soon say bye bye to a bystander using binoculars to gaze upon binary numbers.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 6th, 2014


astrology

Hello friends of the future.

Once again we are serving you a plethora of portents.

The charts indicate something unusual and spectacular.

The planets are aligned just right.

We haven’t seen these kind of readings in years.

Hold on to your hats.

Looks like all of you will become famous authors.

So, get your writing instruments ready to go.

We hope you won’t forget us at Horror-Scope Central once you are in the money and living the lifestyle of the rich and famous.

Enjoy…

Aries… Venus is trine with Aries now, but will soon be on its cusp. Apparently, you will be harboring many, many felines. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Cooking With Hairballs”.

Taurus… Jupiter is aligning with mercury at the moment. There’s a lot of work to do ahead. In the future, you might become rich and famous when you write and produce a horror film called, “The Creeping Underwear”.

Gemini… Saturn is rising now and nearing the cusp of Gemini. We’d like to see the results of this. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “The History of the Future”.

Cancer… Neptune is in retrograde now and doesn’t like it. Get plenty of printer ink. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Recycle Yourself For Fun And Profit”.

Leo… Mars is descending while in retrograde status. Wow, this will be a smelly situation. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Creative Carcass Carving For Cash”.

Virgo… The Moon is trine with Virgo now. Let there be light. In years to come you will write a bestseller called, “Cooking With Candelabras”.

Libra… The Sun is in opposition to Libra at the moment. Ouch. We can feel your pain. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Belly Flopping For Fun And Profit”.

Scorpio… Pluto is square with Scorpio now and is delighted. This heavenly idea could make you a millionaire. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Choose The Right Divining Rod”.

Sagittarius… Uranus is rising now and is getting nauseous. We’d like to get a copy of this masterpiece. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Put Sizzle In Your Sidekick Or Dennis Miller”.

Capricorn… This could get depressing. Well to be honest, it will get depressing. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Self Loathing For Fun And Profit”.

Aquarius… The Sun is square with Aquarius now. Get you sea legs in shape. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Captain A Ship Of Fools”.

Pisces… Mercury is in its fifth house washing windows. In the not too distant future you will become involved in heavy equipment, prompting you to write a bestseller called, “How To Take The Drudgery Out Of Dredging”.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

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