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astrology

Hello friends of the future.

Once again we are serving you a plethora of portents.

The charts indicate something unusual and spectacular.

The planets are aligned just right.

We haven’t seen these kind of readings in years.

Hold on to your hats.

Looks like all of you will become famous authors.

So, get your writing instruments ready to go.

We hope you won’t forget us at Horror-Scope Central once you are in the money and living the lifestyle of the rich and famous.

Enjoy…

Aries… Venus is trine with Aries now, but will soon be on its cusp. Apparently, you will be harboring many, many felines. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Cooking With Hairballs”.

Taurus… Jupiter is aligning with mercury at the moment. There’s a lot of work to do ahead. In the future, you might become rich and famous when you write and produce a horror film called, “The Creeping Underwear”.

Gemini… Saturn is rising now and nearing the cusp of Gemini. We’d like to see the results of this. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “The History of the Future”.

Cancer… Neptune is in retrograde now and doesn’t like it. Get plenty of printer ink. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Recycle Yourself For Fun And Profit”.

Leo… Mars is descending while in retrograde status. Wow, this will be a smelly situation. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Creative Carcass Carving For Cash”.

Virgo… The Moon is trine with Virgo now. Let there be light. In years to come you will write a bestseller called, “Cooking With Candelabras”.

Libra… The Sun is in opposition to Libra at the moment. Ouch. We can feel your pain. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Belly Flopping For Fun And Profit”.

Scorpio… Pluto is square with Scorpio now and is delighted. This heavenly idea could make you a millionaire. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Choose The Right Divining Rod”.

Sagittarius… Uranus is rising now and is getting nauseous. We’d like to get a copy of this masterpiece. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Put Sizzle In Your Sidekick Or Dennis Miller”.

Capricorn… This could get depressing. Well to be honest, it will get depressing. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Self Loathing For Fun And Profit”.

Aquarius… The Sun is square with Aquarius now. Get you sea legs in shape. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “How To Captain A Ship Of Fools”.

Pisces… Mercury is in its fifth house washing windows. In the not too distant future you will become involved in heavy equipment, prompting you to write a bestseller called, “How To Take The Drudgery Out Of Dredging”.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

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