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astrology

Hello again friends of the unknown, the known, and the semi-known not be confused with the semi-unknown. You know what we mean.

We have been working on this week’s charts feverishly.

In fact, we were so hot, we had to take cold showers.

We have been busy measuring time and space with our exclusive time and space gauges made of space age materials.

We give you our best interpretations, which by the way, are “dead on”, for your living pleasure (if pleasure is even possible) in the coming weeks and months.

In any case, come what may, enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in opposition to Aries at this time. Can you feel it? Brace yourself. In the future, you will embrace a brace with dignity and grace.

Taurus… Mercury is in its fifth house having some new kitchen appliances installed. Be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to send you to a cannery for pickling.

Gemini… Venus is square with Gemini now but wants to be elliptical. We certainly pity you. You poor dear. In the near future, you will fear the blogosphere. It could hurt your career. So watch which way you steer.

Cancer… Saturn is in its seventh house getting ready for a poker night with some asteroids. Stay away from shelled peanuts. You will have a recurring nightmare where you will be trampled by The Elephant Man, or a grossly overweight Dennis Miller. It isn’t clear at this time.

Leo… Mars is descending at this moment. It will hit bottom soon. In the future, you will get tired quickly after this endeavor. You will tell your inner most secrets to an inner tube near an intersection.

Virgo… Pluto is going to the vet this week. In the near future, you will find a throbbing heart in a shopping cart in the heart of a city.

Libra… Neptune is in its third house having the swimming pool resurfaced. In the distant future, you will find a darling dolly on an abandoned trolley not too far from a trollop holding a tulip.

Scorpio… The Earth is trine with Scorpio now but wants to be square. Someone wants to have some words with you. Not long from now, you will have the compulsion to insure your entire vocabulary with Lloyds of London.

Sagittarius… The Moon is on the cusp of Sagittarius this week. Watch your step. You will win a free trip to Hawaii, but your vacation will be ruined when you are viciously attacked by a gang of roving pineapples.

Capricorn… The Sun is in its seventh house interviewing a new cleaning lady. You won’t get very far with this. In the future, you will try to surf on sound waves, but you will fall when you trip over a decibel.

Aquarius… Jupiter is rising now and on the cusp of Aquarius. This one’s for the birds. You will soon find a safe haven with a raven near New Haven.

Pisces… Pluto is square with Pisces now. You will soon say bye bye to a bystander using binoculars to gaze upon binary numbers.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

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