Welcome once again to your Horror-Scope.
We’ve scoured the charts, and almost scorched them.
One of our staff was a little careless with a magnifying glass in the sun.
But, all is well at Horror-Scope Central.
Here are this week’s prognostications for your planning purposes.
We do all this for you, our loyal and faithful followers.
Aries… The Sun is trine with Aries now. Are you a joiner? You will soon be involved in an art colony or an ant colony. It could go either way. The charts aren’t clear.
Taurus… The Moon is in transit now. Believe this. In the not too distant future, you will meet a veterinarian faith healer who will give try to sight to your blind mole.
Gemini… Pluto is square with Gemini at this time. You must have a unique sense of humor. In the future, you will laugh out of context at the wrong moments in conversations and at funerals.
Cancer… Venus is on the cusp of Gemini at this time. This could bring a lot of grief. In the future, you will encounter a lot of bleach or some steep bleachers.
Leo… Mercury is descending now. Get yourself some boots. Not too long from now you will muddle in a puddle while you are befuddled.
Virgo… Saturn is in its third house watching Honey Boo Boo. You should be aware. Your enemies are planning to inject you with a sweet, gooey filling. Then they will eat you for breakfast with coffee.
Libra… Neptune is in its second house having new carpet installed. We hope you aren’t acrachnophobic. In the near future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to watch a spider eat a fly.
Scorpio… Uranus is in retrograde at this time. Dream on. In the distant future you will have fun watching the clouds go by until you realize you are falling toward the earth without a parachute. Then you will awaken to find yourself on board an aircraft in trouble.
Sagittarius… Mars is in apogee at the moment. We’re sorry to report this prophecy. Sometime in the near future, you will find yourself living in a car, only to be evicted by a repo company.
Capricorn… The Earth is on the cusp of Capricorn now. Maybe you should stay away from all medical people for a while. In the near future, you will be depressed by a tongue depressor.
Aquarius… Mercury is trine with Aquarius. Let’s hope you like heavy equipment. In the future, you will have the urge to buy ear plugs when you decide to date a boom operator.
Pisces… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now. Put your thinking cap on. You will soon try to devise a way to become divisive, kind of like Dennis Miller.
And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved