Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh

Here we are once again folks with another serving of readings from the Celestial Sphere.

We hope they agree with you, but they probably won’t.

We can’t control the planets any more than the weather forecaster can control the weather.

So, let’s all take it on the chin, and live with it.

What else can we do?

Enjoy.

Aries… You are a clever one. The Moon is in the seventh house repairing a roof leak. In the future, in order to save on car leasing charges for mileage use, you will back up everywhere you go.

Taurus… Apparently you aren’t afraid of heights. Neptune is in opposition at this time. In the future, you will do some house sitting. Unfortunately you will misunderstand the idea of house sitting, and you will fall off the roof after just a few minutes of getting comfy up there.

Gemini… You will seek security. Saturn is rising now and ready to go. You will become a prisoner of your front door, (never moving more than ten feet away from it), when you become overly obsessed with checking to see if it you locked it.

Cancer… Get your water wings ready. Mars is square with Cancer at this time. One day you will swim with the dolphins. Unfortunately it will occur shortly after the ship you are on sinks.

Leo… Hail to the conquering hero. Mercury is descending at this moment. You will inhale a strange substance which will cause you to attack the statue of a local war hero in an attempt to give it a hickey causing you to break two teeth in the process.

Virgo… Ready to play chicken? The Sun is trine with Virgo now. In the near future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to watch rotisserie chickens revolve.

Libra… This could be deadly. Venus is on the cusp of Libra now. Better get some menthol ointment. Soon you will be invited to a celebration. It may just be a surprise autopsy party.

Scorpio… Uranus is in its fifth house fixing a blocked toilet. Whew! In the future, you will go to Dublin and have a great time until someone in a pub does the Irish Jig on your windpipe.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now. Maybe you should buy some kind of helmet. Why?  In the future, something will make you smile a lot. It could be the result of some head trauma.

Capricorn… Pluto is rising at this time. You will meet someone named Basil who will try to add spice to your life.

Aquarius… The Earth is in its third house waiting for a roofing contractor. You will become a powerful force in nature when you begin to attract lightning, or Dennis Miller.

Pisces… You must be interested in hard science. The Sun is square with Pisces now. You will have the uncontrollable urge to put certain letters of alphabet soup in the freezer in order to make iced “T”.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved