It’s August already.
Can you believe it?
It’s all downhill for the year I fear.
And, it could be downhill for some of you as well.
Good luck with this week’s prognostications.
Aries… The Earth is in its fifth house having new windows installed. Let’s hope you like Haiti. In the future, you will experience hard labor in Labadie with Dennis Miller, and hate it. Not the work, Dennis Miller.
Taurus… Mercury is descending at a high rate of speed and it’s getting dangerous. Soon, you will meet someone named Hal and have a Hal of a time with him, and someone from Halliburton.
Gemini… Venus is at perigee now and doesn’t know why. Get out the money bags. In the future, you will become rich and famous as a World Champion Worm Wrestler, only to be defeated by a slug.
Cancer… Mars is trine with Cancer at the moment. some day soon, you will high fly a kite or get into a fight while high. It isn’t clear at this time. Good luck anyway.
Leo… The sun is square with Leo now. Heads up people. One day, you will become highly infatuated with a bobblehead and propose marriage to it, making your friends and family envious. But, it will end in disaster when you accidentally step on it while the head is getting a beer from the fridge.
Virgo… Saturn is rising with a headache at this time after a bad night of poker and beer. It’s time for love again. In the future, you will become infatuated with a fathead to the dismay of your friends and family. But it won’t last. The fathead will eat itself to death.
Libra… Pluto is in its second house cleaning up after itself. It had a stomach illness. Get ready for love and a little action. In the not too distant future, you will meet an sketch artist who will temp you with an action figure.
Scorpio… Neptune is at the auto shop having its oil changed. One day, you will become rich and famous (especially in Colorado and 22 other states) for creating a bumper sticker with the words, “There’s nothing wrong with having a bong”.
Sagittarius… Uranus is in opposition to Sagittarius at this time and is upset about it. This could be good or bad. In the future, you will eat a powdered sugar covered donut hole or fall into a hole and scream the whole way down. It could go either way. Good luck.
Capricorn… The Sun is trine with Capricorn now. Sorry for the sad news. In the future, your enemies will steal your wart collection and hold it for a hefty ransom which you will gladly pay only to find out later that they had sold the warts on eBay.
Aquarius… Mars is on the cusp of Aquarius now and loving it. Soon you will be involved with a metal smelter or seek immediate shelter. It isn’t clear at the moment, so be prepared.
Pisces… Jupiter is in apogee now and is upset about it. In the future, your Fairy Godmother will create a new energy efficient vehicle for you. Unfortunately it will be a coach made of a pumpkin pulled by some mice that will alert their friends. They (along with some hungry rats) will devour the vehicle while you’re having a lunch of Ratatouille.
And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved