Welcome friends of the future.
We bring you another week of celestial prognostications.
We hope they satisfy your needs in every way.
However, as usual, they probably won’t.
So, hold on to your hats and be forewarned of the future.
Aries… Uranus is on the cusp of Aries at this time causing trouble for you. Be on the alert. Your enemies are plotting to steal a Cabbage Patch doll you will acquire, and turn it in to coleslaw.
Taurus… The Moon is trine with Taurus at the moment and wishes it were in opposition for some reason. Hmmm…Soon you will have the uncontrollable urge to linger. In fact, you will love lingering . Let us know how that goes for you.
Gemini… Saturn is rising now and getting ready for some action. You will soon have the urge to love and worship all uneven surfaces. I know that sounds weird, but that’s what the charts say. Go figure.
Cancer… Pluto is in perigee at this time and is confused. Be on the alert. In the near future, your enemies will try to dwindle you. We haven’t come up with a defense for that, so be careful.
Leo… Mars is in its fifth house having it repainted after a wild party. Get ready for a new friend. One day you will meet a Barrister named Barry on the Great Barrier Reef. He will borrow money from you and won’t return it because he’s a shyster.
Virgo… Mercury is square with Virgo and will soon be on the cusp. You’ll waste a lot of time over this. It won’t be long before you have the tendency to dawdle while you yodel.
Libra… Venus is in its ninth house wondering why it has nine houses to contend with. Get your creative juices flowing. In the future, you will write a bestselling ebook called, “How To Banter For Fun And Profit”.
Scorpio… The Sun is on the cusp of Scorpio now. Bottoms up! Soon, in the future, you will spend your last dime on liquor. Luckily you will have many paper dollars left, unfortunately it will be Monopoly money.
Sagittarius… Neptune is in its fifth house counting calories. Could this be a fly by night scheme? Sometime in the near future, a large bird will break into a bank and sit on your nest egg.
Capricorn… Venus is on the cusp of Capricorn now. This could get sticky. Sometime soon, you will have the uncontrollable urge to send a tube of Crazy Glue to a psychiatrist for therapy.
Aquarius… Uranus is in its third house having the cabinets replaced and is having trouble with the contractor. Get ready to scratch. In the future, you will suddenly awaken and find that you are the star attraction in a flea circus.
Pisces… The Earth is trine with Pisces now and that is fine. Good news and bad news. In the future you will be very good, then very bad, then you will be force to be very, very good, then you jail sentence (with cell mate Dennis Miller) will be over. Good luck with that.
And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved