Here we are once again dear friends.
We at HORROR-Scope Central have been working diligently on your predictions for the coming week.
They range from snakes to sizzle.
We hope they won’t HORRIFY you too much.
Then again, it’s all in the stars.
As you know, we have no control over that.
Aries… Uranus is descending now at a great rate of speed. That’s actually good for you. In theory, this prediction is purely musical theory. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Tintinnabulation For Fun And Profit”.
Taurus… Mercury is on the run to avoid apprehension for undetermined space crimes. The Big Band Theory? In the not too distant future, you will be asked to bring some dynamite to the opening of a new blast furnace.
Gemini… Saturn is busy polishing its rings again. Get ready for some excitement in your life. In the future, you will soon meet an old geezer, or see an old geyser. Either way you’re going to get wet.
Cancer… Neptune is getting ready for a card party in its seventh house. Let’s get ready to rumble. In the future, you will become a dare devil. But, if you’re not very, very careful, you will become a dare angel.
Leo… Pluto is in court right now over a law suit. Woof, woof. You soon will awaken to find that you are the target of Dog, The Bounty Hunter for abusing fleas.
Virgo… The Earth is on the cusp of Virgo and loving it. Size does matter. You will soon begin work at a shoe store. Big Foot will come in and start destroying the place because they don’t carry his size.
Libra… The Moon is square with Libra at this time, but wishes it were trine. This could be venomous. Not long from now, you will awaken to find yourself wearing snake boots made of live cobras.
Scorpio… Mars is in retrograde now and is falling behind in its orbit. Get ready for a law suit from SPCA. In the not too distant future, you will slip on a banana peel and fall on a monkey.
Sagittarius… Jupiter has just been fined for some zoning violation by the Space Police. Ready for a big move? In the not too distant future, you will become a cave dweller or a cove dweller. It isn’t clear at this time.
Capricorn… The Sun is in its fifth house warming things up. This is a real fixer upper prediction. You will plagued with the obsession to resurface everything around you, including your family, friends, co-workers, and Dennis Miller.
Aquarius… Uranus is on the cusp of Aquarius now. This is a real, and rare “meat” prediction. In the near future, you will dally daily in a deli with a derelict. Let us know how that works out for you.
Pisces… Mercury is trine with Pisces at this time. Trine is good for you. Get some new pots and pans. In the future, you will serve a bloody bladder on a platter and it won’t matter to your hungry guests.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved