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astrology

 

Here we are again, dear friends.

We are anxious to see what the future holds for us.

Once again, we delve into the unpredictability of the orbs above.

Twelve new and unique prognostications have been readied after studying the charts, and rolling the dice.

Well, that’s not exactly right. First we roll the dice, then we scan the charts.

In any case, we hope you enjoy this week’s post.

Until next time, please endure…

 

Aries… Mercury is in hot water after an arrest for too fast an orbit. There’s an emotional rollercoaster in store for you. One day you will be very glad to have a scouring pad. Shortly after, you will be sad and subsequently mad after you’ve been had.

Taurus…Saturn is rising now after a short nap. Hmmm…this could hurt, a lot. Be extra cautious now. Your enemies are planning to project you onto a movie screen like a projectile.

Gemini… Mars is in retrograde at this time. Get your saddle polished. In the future, you are going to meet someone named Clydesdale about a horse.

Cancer… Neptune is in its fifth house fixing a leaky pipe. Too bad for you. One day in the future, after listening to Dennis Miller, you will send your brain on a plane to Maine, causing you great pain, with nothing to gain.

Leo… The Sun is square with Leo at this moment in time. You’re a profound thinker. In the future you will nearly go insane after years of pondering the question, “If silence is golden, what is sound?”

Virgo… The Moon is approaching madness now. So will you. In the not too distant future, you will have the overwhelming urge to kidnap a Babinski reflex and hold it for ransom.

Libra…Venus is trine with Libra, and on its cusp. In a future year, you will fight with someone named Alfredo over some sauce for your pasta. It will get messy.

Scorpio…Pluto is descending beneath its third house by digging a hole. Start saving your money now. In the not too distant future, you will be heavily fined by the Library of Congress for an overdue book.

Sagittarius…The Earth is trine with Sagittarius now. Sometime in the future, you will either flagellate or fluctuate. In either case, it will cause you much discomfort.

Capricorn…Uranus is suffering from a sinus infection now. It is very irritable. In the future, you will convince yourself that you can lose weight on an all lice diet. It could get hairy.

Aquarius…Jupiter is aligned with Mars at this time after many years of being misaligned. In the future, you will finally get your ducks in line. Then some idiot will cut in front of them and ruin the moment.

Pisces… Mars is on the cusp of Pisces at this time and is anxious to be adjacent. Sometime in the future, you will lobby to have the name of YouTube changed to the more modern moniker, YouComputerchip.

And… remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Comments on: "Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sep. 7th, 2014" (4)

  1. That’s always a good strategy. 🙂

  2. My pleasure, my friend. 🙂

  3. Keeping a low profile, thanks for the warnings! 😉

  4. Great!
    And thank you so much! 🙂

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