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All righty, boys and girls.

It’s time again for another week’s predictions from the world’s best team of prognosticators since Punxsutawney Phil.

We hope you can cope with the Celestial Sphere’s offerings this week.

They range from Clydesdales to Catalina.

So saddle up and go for it.

Enjoy…if you can…

Aries… The sun will be sending out another solar flare in the near future, and hopes it has enough postage. One day you will be very glad to have a scouring pad. Then you will be sad and subsequently mad.

Taurus…The Moon is dancing in three quarter time now. In the future, a bull on a bulldozer will bully you.

Gemini… Venus is in its fourth house having the carpet replaced with tile. Get some new jodfers. In the future, you are going to meet someone named Clydesdale about a horse.

Cancer… Neptune is trine with Cancer at the moment. In the future, you will send your brain on a plane to Maine, causing you great pain, like listening to Dennis Miller’s radio show.

Leo… The Earth is petitioning the Solar Court to go retrograde in spite of the repercussions that will result. In the future, you will have the urge to kidnap a Babinski reflex and hold it for ransom.

Virgo… Saturn is having a ring job done again. It’s going to cost it a small fortune. Someday in the future, you will get nuzzled by a sheep, in your sleep while you weep.

Libra… Uranus is racing to be on the cusp of Libra, but is falling behind. Your enemies are planning to project you onto a movie screen like a loaded projectile.

Scorpio… Mars is in its seventh house cleaning up after the Mars Rover ran into it. Someday, you will meet someone named Edwina on an island called Catalina.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is attempting to go retrograde, but the car won’t start and it’s getting late. Someday, you will have the urge to plug your finger into a wall outlet in order to take a power nap.

Capricorn… Venus is in its third house meeting with the Solar Police after a break-in. In the not too distant future, you will gain notoriety by insisting that that in the constellation, Orion, he should be wearing suspenders rather than a belt.

Aquarius… Pluto is busy chewing on a rawhide bone now. In the future, you will lobby to have the name of “YouTube” changed to the more modern name of, “YouComputerchip”.

Pisces… Mercury is descending now into a massive funk. In the future, you will fight with someone named Alfredo over some pasta sauce.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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