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Eclipse Comes Just In Time To Save John Kerry From Tribe Of Island Cannibals


With the natives’ drumbeats suddenly falling silent as a mysterious midday darkness rolled across the island, sources confirmed that a solar eclipse occurred just in time Friday to stop imperiled U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry from being cooked alive by cannibals.

“See what you’ve done? I bring the darkness! I command the sun! I am a very powerful man!” Kerry reportedly shouted after quickly assessing the situation, causing the tribe’s shaman to cry out in fear and fall prostrate to the ground while several tribesmen hastily lowered the roasting spit on which they had been carrying the United States’ top diplomat toward a blazing fire.

“You cannot kill me, for I am a god! Release me now, and perhaps I will restore the light I have taken from you!” At press time, reports confirmed that the cannibals were reverently chanting the former Massachusetts senator’s name as they bore him on a luxurious sedan chair to a feast prepared in his honor.

Found @,36788/


Cannibals roasting John Kerry?

For him it must have been scary,

In addition to being contrary,

Making his entourage wary.

He’s lucky the sun went away,

Changing the outlook that day,

“I’m a god”, Kerry did say,

Fooling them was child’s play.

He told them he might give them light,

Ending the mysterious night,

To end the poor cannibal’s plight,

And improve their diminished sight.

After he used his quick wit,

They took him off of the spit,

Away from the burning pit,

To Kerry’s sole benefit.

After John’s status increased,

They gave him a wonderful feast,

Perhaps giving him roasted beast,

And soon after old John was released.

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Comments on: "Cannibals Couldn’t Cook Kerry" (4)

  1. Thanks for the comment. The Onion is edgy as well. Sometimes I am reluctant to show the link because of the other stories on that page. But, I have to do the link. I want to have a G rated blog. 🙂

  2. We have one website, sometimes their language is not really appropriate, but mostly a funny stuff:)

  3. Thanks. 🙂

    What a weird story. They have them in The Onion a lot. I’m finishing up another now, but it’s not as funny. Hopefully the poetry will be acceptable. 🙂

  4. So funny! 🙂

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