Well, this is the month for horror, hobgoblins, and Halloween.
We hope you are ready for it.
The stars certainly are.
The charts have revealed a whole new list of problems to worry about.
They range from art to Avon.
Aries… Uranus is in its third house repainting. This can be electrifying. In the not too distant future, you will have the overwhelming urge to remove all protons from your body.
Taurus…Mercury is descending into a horrible funk now. You will become rich and famous for your bestseller, “101 Ways To Rub Onions On Your Bunions”, with a forward by Dennis Miller.
Gemini… The Sun is on the cusp of Gemini now. Tea for two? In the near future, you will have the urge to bifurcate on command.
Cancer… The Moon is in its second house now meeting with an Avon Lady. Get ready for some damp times. In the not too distant future, you will suddenly cry when your cloths do not drip dry. We don’t know why. Deal with it.
Leo… Pluto is square with Leo now. In the future, you will try, to look at the sky, with an evil eye, resulting in a sty.
Virgo… The Earth is in the second house vacuuming the rugs. You will suffer impetigo or vertigo while on the go in Kokomo.
Libra… Venus is trine with Libra now but wants to be square. Hmmm. Here’s a problem for you. In the future, you will either get scabies, or change diapers on babies. Either way the situation will stink.
Scorpio…Saturn is in its second house having some landscaping installed. You will need to buy a new toothbrush. In the near future, you will have the urge to show everyone your new overbite in your new underwear.
Sagittarius… Neptune is trending higher now. This causes confusion. In the distant future, you will lock you lips on many hips while on a trip. Could they be hippos? Who knows? Good luck with that.
Capricorn… Mars is in apogee at this time and is feeling nauseous. This portends love. In the future, you will meet an artist and develop a long, drawn out relationship, which you will later want to erase from your memory.
Aquarius… Jupiter is on the cusp of Aquarius now. This portends travel for you. In the distant future, you will be plagued with the obsession to launch yourself into hyperspace.
Pisces…Mercury is aligned with Mars now. This isn’t good for you. Your enemies were planning to brainwash you, but now they want to send your brain to the dry cleaners. But, your brain won’t be ready when promised.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved