Popular New Exercise App Just Tells Users They Ran 5 Miles A Day No Matter What
LOS ALTOS, CA—
Having reached nearly 2 million downloads within its first month of release, the new smartphone app ProMiler has quickly become one of the nation’s most popular exercise tools by informing users that they ran five miles each day no matter what, the app’s creators told reporters Friday.
“With ProMiler, achieving your exercise goals is as simple as turning on your device in the morning and being notified that you’ve already run five miles,” ProMiler spokesman John Lyons said while demonstrating the app, which uses advanced GPS technology to display a new, randomly generated five-mile running route near the user’s location every day.
“The more you take advantage of ProMiler, the better runner you become, as the app automatically reduces your running time by several seconds per day. And with our ‘Calories Burned’ counter staying fixed at the number 1,000 each day, 100 percent of our users report hitting their fitness targets. The results speak for themselves.”
Officials added that the app comes pre-synced with Facebook, allowing users to automatically post their time and running route on their feed for all their friends to see.
The Promiler app is now here,
It may cause some people to cheer,
It says you’ve run miles,
Which brings lots of smiles,
Then you’re ready to have a cold beer.
It tells you that you have just run,
It logs in the miles; oh what fun,
It’s something to get,
For miles to be met,
It tells all your friends what you’ve done.
It registers calories burned,
But not the applause that you’ve earned,
It’s something to try,
On health you rely,
So surely you should be concerned.
The device is designed to please,
You ran without even a wheeze,
The app does the work,
While you wear a smirk,
And dig in to burgers with cheese.
© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved