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astrology

This is the week for fun, fear, and treats.

Here is our special edition of, Your HORROR-Scope, for Halloween week.

The stars took a weird turn this year.

They offer you some scary situations to deal with.

It’s time to get your coping caps on.

Try not to scream too loud.

Enjoy…

Aries … Uranus is going on a hunting spree this week. This is bad for you. You will dress as a nun for Halloween and call yourself a creature of habit. Then you will be desecrated.

Taurus…Saturn is in its eighth house decorating for a Halloween party. On a future Halloween night, you will have the idea that you can scare children by doing the Boogaloo. Unfortunately, you will begin to pirouette and screw yourself into the floor.

Gemini… Mars is out buying candy for Trick or Treat night. Be sure to wear clean underwear this week. A creepy Halloween creature will scare the pants off you. It could be Dennis Miller.

Cancer… Neptune is on the cusp of Cancer. It’s also in its fifth house practicing goblin gestures. This is not good. You will make a scary costume (entirely of gold) and call yourself Freddy Krugerrand. However, you will be hijacked and locked in a vault.

Leo…The Sun is going to a Halloween party dressed as the Moon. This portends terrible things for you. You will not be happy when a neighbor carves your pumpkin with an AK-47.

Virgo… The Moon has decided dress as a cheese ball for Halloween. That’s not very creative. It means a bad week for you. Your friends will tell you to hit the road when you arrive at a Halloween costume party dressed as a travel trailer with a blocked toilet. Yuck!

Libra…Mercury is threatening to crash a Halloween party because it wasn’t invited. This is terrible for you. A crazed witch will change you into an acorn then send you to a forest full of squirrels.

Scorpio… Pluto is going to a Halloween party dressed as Mickey Mouse. Get ready for a major shun. You will not please your neighborhood kids when you hand them small bags of sugar coated chicken feathers as treats.

Sagittarius… Venus is having an anxiety attack over what to dress as for Halloween. This may be organic, but it’s nasty. You will be shocked when you are suddenly shucked in a corn maze by a Colonel.

Capricorn… Uranus is square with Capricorn at this time. That’s not good. You’re going international. Your friends will be confused when you arrive at a costume party dressed as Venezuela. Then, you will be attacked by rebels who want to overthrow you.

Aquarius… Mars is going to decorate the Mars Rover for Halloween this year. That’s horrible for you. You will not know which way to turn this week. Your blood will boil when a mad witch throws you into a hot cauldron. Let’s hope you like to simmer.

Pisces… Jupiter is in its fifth house arranging cobwebs. It’s a bad sign. You will be highlight of a Halloween party when you go dressed as a street lamp. Unfortunately, a “lady of the evening” will stand next to you all night soliciting business.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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