Hello again, good people of Earth.
I hope you survived Halloween without too much pain and discomfort.
We are now into November, the prelude to December which of course portends the end of 2014.
Who knows what’s in store for us in the coming year?
Oh yes, of course, the planets do, and they will tell it all to you, via Your Weekly HORROR-Scope.
So calm down and stop shaking.
Your future will be revealed, right here, for you.
This week brings another odd array of predictions ranging from belly flops to slush funds. Go figure.
Are you ready for it?
I hope so.
Aries… The moon is at its half stage now and nearing the cusp of Aries. This isn’t good for you. Your life will suddenly become static. Your enemies are planning to rub your body with silk and stick you to a wall, next to Dennis Miller.
Taurus… Venus is in its third house taking down Halloween decorations. This portends a dim outlook for you. In the future, you will attempt to electrify your cable knit sweater in an attempt to save money on your electric bill. It won’t work.
Gemini… Mercury is rising now to be trine with Gemini. That’s not good. In the future, you will be arrested by Coast Guard officials for doing a belly flop in a no wake zone.
Cancer… Saturn is in its fifth house now, consulting with an interior designer. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will be a sucker for the “Good Ship Lollipop” song. You will sing it constantly, losing friends day by day. Eventually, you will be thrown into a brig.
Leo…The Sun is square with Leo now. That portends something bad for you. In the future, you will slip and fall on a politician’s slush fund. You will escape with a fractured leg and an injured ego.
Virgo… Mars is in its ninth house preparing dinner for some guests. We think you should get some kneepads. In the future, people will think you are weird when you kneel on the floor to adore your neighbor’s door.
Libra… Venus is rising now and in opposition to Libra. Looks like your memory will be fading. In the future, you will arrive late for a meteor shower, and you will forget to bring a gift.
Scorpio… Pluto is on the cusp of Scorpio at this time. That’s not too good for you. Your enemies are planning to make you vanish. It’s not clear if you will ever reappear. Let us know how that turns out for you. See you around, or not.
Sagittarius… Neptune is descending into a funk now. This will really make you shine. Your enemies are planning to varnish you. Let’s hope they use a good grade varnish. We wouldn’t want to have you look awful if it should peel or chip off.
Capricorn… Venus is on the cusp of Capricorn now. That’s not favorable for you. It may be time to get your sea legs in shape. In the future, you will make a sail out of kale to search for purple whales. You will then go adrift in a cold fog singing old sailor shanties until you are rescued by a pod of drunken dolphins that will sell you to a miserable, merchant marine captain.
Aquarius… Uranus is in its ninth house cleaning up after a wild Halloween party. That portends trouble for you. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Bedazzling For Fun And Profit”. However, you will spend all your millions betting on slug races.
Pisces… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now. That’s not good. We think you will have to tone it down a bit. In the future, you will be shunned for excessive bravado and vibrato. You will then join a band of wandering hermits.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved