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astrology

Hi there, friends.

Once again we present, for your dining and dancing pleasure, Your HORROR-Scope for the upcoming week.

This week’s charts indicate events and encounters ranging from squirrels, to monkey polish.

Where do you buy monkey polish?

We don’t know. Maybe you do.

I hope you are ready for it, (the HORROR-Scope not the polish).

Enjoy…

Aries… Jupiter is rising now to new heights in the solar system. This foretells bad news. In the future, you will strain yourself while making baby food. You will spend weeks in therapy.

Taurus… Uranus is square with Taurus at this time. In the future, you will become rich and famous with your family of singing squirrels. However, they will seek political asylum in Cuba, and leave you.

Gemini … Saturn is descending at this time. This foretells a bad outcome. In the future, you will spend years developing an air freshener, which will be shunned. Next time don’t call it, “The Scent of Sewer”.

Cancer … Mars is in its fifth house having some bathroom tile replaced. In the future, you will fail miserably at a new venture. You will design and make a line of formal attire for squirrels in the wild, but the EPA and PITA will block your efforts when they discover you are using real fur.

Leo… Venus is square with Leo now and in conjunction with the sun. This is a bad sign for you. In the future, you will become wealthy when you develop a shampoo and hair conditioner made from peanuts. However, your factory will be overrun with chipmunks and squirrels. You will go bankrupt and out of business

Virgo… Pluto is in its seventh house waiting for the solar police after it discovered a break-in. In the future, you will attempt to sell life insurance to sewer rats. It won’t go well for you. You will quit that job and seek employment as a nematode therapist.

Libra… The Earth is in conjunction with Libra now. This could be bad for you. In the future the police will stop your vehicle. They will search it and find what they believe is a stolen potholder, or some illegal pot. Either way the heat will be on. We hope you can deal with it.

Scorpio…The Sun is in opposition to Scorpio at this time. That foretells good news and bad news for you. In the future, you will make a fortune developing and selling monkey polish to organ grinders. But, you will lose all your money in lawsuits after several monkeys drink the fluid and dance themselves to death while listening to Dennis Miller on the radio.

Sagittarius…The Moon is trine with Sagittarius at this time. This foretells a bad business decision. In the future, you will try to make money knitting air tanks for SCUBA divers. However the wool will shrink causing a drop in air pressure. Your business will then go under.

Capricorn…Mercury is in its third house having a new phone system installed. In the not too distant future, you will jump at the chance to own a piece of history. An Egyptian will sell you a tomb in an attempt to get you involved in a pyramid scheme. You will lose a lot of money.

Aquarius …Mars is on the cusp of Aquarius now. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will develop a cereal called, Granny’s Granulated Grits. Unfortunately, you will go bankrupt when the FDA discovers that it’s made from number 8 sandpaper.

Pisces… Uranus is trine with Pisces now. That’s good and bad. In the future, you will gain fame and fortune when you develop the skill of juggling live squirrels. However, an animal rights group will sue you. That will cost you a lot of money ending your act.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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