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astrology

 

Hello again my dear friends.

This week’s charts bring us an array of whimsical weirdness.

Actually, it’s not too different than most weeks.

Our crack chart readers have found predictions involving toads, squirrels, and even a Mr. Potato Head.

I hope you can cope.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is nearing apogee now. This isn’t good for you. In the future, you will be sued by someone rude over some screwed up food.

Taurus … Venus is in its fourth house now, cleaning up some space dust. Be extra cautious now. Your enemies are planning to kidnap your ego, and hold it for ransom.

Gemini … The Earth is trine with Gemini now. One day you will write a bestseller called, “How To Find True Love In A Storage Locker”. You will lose all the profit you made gambling on toad races.

Cancer … The Moon is in cancer at this time. This is not good. In the not too distant future, you will suffer a horrible hangover after going on a drinking binge with a herring.

Leo … Saturn is descending at this time. This isn’t favorable for you. One day you will have to make restitution to a restless wrestler from the west.

Virgo … Neptune is square with Virgo at the moment. This isn’t too favorable for you. In the future, you will be very embarrassed when you are discovered in bed making love to a Mr. Potato Head disguised as Dennis Miller.

Libra … Mercury is on the cusp of Libra at this time. This isn’t good. One day you will be arrested for patting some palatable pâté in Patagonia.

Scorpio … Mars is rising now and trine with Scorpio. In the future, you will fall in love with a tree while trying to catch the fall colors.

Sagittarius … Jupiter is aligned with Venus now. This portends a bad outcome. Some rogue squirrels are planning to stuff you with acorns for the winter.

Capricorn … The Sun is square with Capricorn at this time. That’s not too good. In the future, your friends will come and go, but your cumquats will ever grow…right out of our ears.

Aquarius … Neptune is descending now. That isn’t too good for you. In the not too distant future, you will never finish your book called, “How To Procrastinate For Fun And Profit”.

Pisces … The Earth is aligned with Pisces now. This suggests weird things for you. In the near future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to gargle with gargoyles.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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