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Hi there, fortune seekers.

I hope you are ready for another round of potent predictions from this week’s celestial charts.

Our staff has compiled the best of the best for you this week.

But, as things usually turn out, the predictions have become somewhat unfortunate for most of you.

However, I’m sure you will endure.

Our outcomes range from cheese, to cattle to crockpots.


Aries… The Sun is aligned with Aries at this time. Too bad for you. In the future, you will be arrested for speeding and evading the police on a cattle drive.

Taurus… Mercury is descending now and portends something wild. In the not too distant future, you will cluck like a chicken whenever eggs are served, mentioned, thought of, or seen.

Gemini… Venus is on the cusp of Gemini now. That’s not a good thing. In the not too distant future, you will write a best seller called, “Cheddaring Cheese For Fun And Profit”. However your accountant will lose all your money investing in non-profit, worm farms sold by Dennis Miller.

Cancer… Mars is in opposition to Cancer at the moment. In the future, you will make loads of money when you find a new function for an unction. You will later spend all your money on a ridiculous, hula-hoop idea. You will be convinced the hoop should be shaped at a right angle.

Leo… Jupiter is trine with Leo now. That will bring misfortune to all Leos. In the future, you will get in trouble when you unwittingly help a helper dog help a hapless criminal rob a jewelry store in Helsinki.

Virgo… Saturn is square with Virgo at this time. In the future, you will open a home for unwanted hair. You will later be up to your knees in dandruff, and spend all your money on carpet shampoo and vacuum cleaners.

Libra… Uranus is in opposition to Libra now. This portends bad luck for you. Your enemies are planning to simmer you in a crockpot while they are at work. We are interested in the rest of their recipe.

Scorpio… Neptune is in its fifth house making plans for a renovation project. In the not too distant future, you will buy an alligator handbag for a cute crocodile in the Nile, named Miles. Let us know how that works out.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in its third house cleaning the windows. That’s bad. In the near future, your IQ will suddenly become no higher than your shoe size, making you a candidate for public office. However you will not be elected due to a steamy relationship you will have with a hedgehog.

Capricorn… Venus is on the rise. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, you will have the urge to cover yourself in feathers using a hot glue gun, to the delight of all chicken pluckers.

Aquarius… The Earth is in its third house having new cabinets installed. That portends something bad. In the future, you will become a “hipster” immediately after a hip replacement by an unqualified tree surgeon.

Pisces… Uranus is aligned with Pisces now. That predicts something weird for you. In the future, you will only gargle with a gaggle of geese present.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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