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Here we are once again facing the wrath of the planets and other celestial orbs.

The future holds many problems for you.

Sorry, but that’s how the space cookie crumbles this week.

Every now and then we find ourselves in dire situations.

This is one of those times.

I hope you endure.

Here we go…

Aries … Jupiter is aligned with Pluto now. This foretells bad news. In the future, you will be known as the “Cloud Whisperer”. Unfortunately, every cloud you befriend will eventually leave you just after it rains on you. Shortly after, you will suffer from pneumonia.

Taurus … Mars is in its fourth house cleaning the basement. This portends an unfortunate situation. In the future, you will rent a car in Trafalgar but it won’t go far after the engine fails while you are in heavy traffic. The drivers around you won’t be happy about it, especially Dennis Miller.

Gemini … Neptune is in its second house installing ceiling fans. That’s bad for you. Be careful. In the future, you will meet and befriend a tattooed lady named Sadie in a town called Grady. One day she will betray you and steal all your money.

Cancer … Venus is on the cusp of Cancer now. That’s not good. Do the math and watch out. Sometime in the future, you will meet someone who’s part man, part woman, and part quarter horse. You will later get kicked in the hip by it and suffer a fracture.

Leo … Jupiter is trine with Leo now. This is a bad sign. In the future, your enemies will do everything in their power to turn your cumquats against you. It won’t be pretty when they succeed.

Virgo … The Earth is in opposition to Virgo at this time. That’s not good. In the future, you will become a chicken magnet. You’ll later get tired of eating eggs, just after you suffer a bout of salmonella.

Libra … The Sun is square with Libra now. The future isn’t too bright for you. Not long from now, you will lose an important engine belt while on a beltway as you belt down some gin. The police will not look kindly on this after you fail the Breathalyzer test.

Scorpio … Pluto is in its fifth house spraying for fleas. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will see a whale dressed in a Mumu. It will moon you. You will moan over that and suffer severe depression for a time.

Sagittarius … Mercury is trine with Sagittarius now. This portends trouble for you. It was a tough decision, but your enemies have decided to tenderize you. It will be painful and messy.

Capricorn … The Moon is in opposition to Capricorn at this time. This isn’t good for you. In the future, you will fake something while wearing a fake fur. Unfortunately, someone will think it’s a real fur. They will throw a bucket of red paint all over you and the fur.

Aquarius … Saturn is trine with Aquarius at this time. That’s not good. In the future, your ledgers will become legendary. The government will investigate and find that you owe them back taxes and penalties.

Pisces … Uranus is descending now. This isn’t good. In the future, you will hog all the piggyback rides at a kid’s birthday party, eventually falling off and spraining your wrist and an ankle.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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