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astrology

Hello again, my fellow celestial gazers.

Your weekly HORROR-Scope is ready.

It brings you a “heads up” on what’s in store for you in the future.

It ranges from coroners to coal tunnels.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Earth is trine with Aries now. This is not good. In the distant future, you will experience turbulence while wearing a turban in Turkey. It will give you a bad case of vertigo.

Taurus… Venus is on the cusp of Taurus now. This spells trouble. In the distant future, you will become a resident of a previous president. Unfortunately you will merely be a lowly servant working in the kitchen peeling potatoes and eating table scraps.

Gemini …The Moon is in opposition to Gemini at this time. Be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to hide your favorite remote in a remote area. You may never find it. But, while searching the north woods, you will have an encounter with Bigfoot, which won’t end well.

Cancer … Pluto is in its second house meeting with an exterminator again over a flea problem. This means trouble for you. In the near future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to call the County Coroner whenever you reach a dead end road. You will later be arrested for harassing phone calls.

Leo… The Sun is trine with Leo now. Not good! Soon you will ask yourself the question, “When night falls, and there’s no one there to see it, will it make a noise?” You will never find the answer and fall into a deep depression.

Virgo… Venus is descending now. This isn’t too good. In the not too distant future, you will meet a burley, backwoods character in your front yard. It could be Dennis Miller in disguise. He will swindle you out of your chainsaw.

Libra… Neptune is in opposition to Libra at this time. This portends something bad. Not too long from now, you will travel to Poland in search of a stolen totem pole. You will not find it, but you will fall in love with a Polish, coal miner who will take you to the depths of depression in a coal tunnel.

Scorpio…Saturn is rising now. This is not good for you. In the distant future, you will approach an altar in an altered state. It will not end well when you marry the frog you licked.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is in opposition to Sagittarius now. This isn’t good. In the future, you will be known (and dreaded) for your constant question in every situation, “What’s all the hubbub about?” Eventually, everyone’ll shun you and, you will go into hiding.

Capricorn… Mars is in its fifth house now, cleaning the windows. Not good. You will lead a very colorful life after you eat a box of 48 Crayola crayons. You will then have the urge to be boxed in a Crayola carton.

Aquarius… Mercury is in its third house now interviewing some potential renters. Be cautious now. Your enemies are planning to fold you like an origami figure.

Pisces… The Moon is trine with Pisces now. Be extra careful. Your enemies are planning to cram you into some crannies.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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