Once again we present you with this weeks offering of future events.
We studied the celestial charts quite thoroughly.
Unfortunately, the future may not be too pleasant for most of you.
The predictions range between spoiled leftovers and itching powder.
All in all, it’s not too promising.
Oh well, I guess we just have to live with it.
Aries … Uranus is in opposition now. That’s not good. In the future, a left-handed person will soon become your “right hand man” and serve you tainted leftovers.
Taurus …Neptune is in its third house now having the carpets cleaned after a party. That indicates trouble. Be extra careful. Your enemies are planning to exfoliate you using foliage.
Gemini … Mercury is on the cusp of Gemini at this time. That portends something bad. In the distant future, will become the Ambassador to Itchtenberg, a very small European Country. (It’s not even on the map.) It’s known for making potent, itching powder. You may just scratch yourself into oblivion.
Cancer …The Moon is in opposition to Cancer now. That’s not good for you. In the distant future, you will become involved in re-writing a long, drawn out theses, or falling into some feces. Either way it will stink.
Leo … The Sun is trine with Leo now. That foretells bad luck. In the distant future, you will become a tree surgeon. You later will be sued when you amputate the wrong limb.
Virgo … Saturn is rising now. Not good. In the not too distant future, you will only surf on Google, while wearing gaudy goggles. Your friends and family will ridicule you.
Libra … Mars is descending at this time. This foretells problems for you. In the distant future, will insist that you need a Seeing Eye dog to check the blind spots in your car while you are driving. You will ne denied.
Scorpio … The Earth is on the cusp of Scorpio now. This foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will write a book called, “How To Ricochet For Fun And Profit”. Unfortunately, it will not bring you any fun, or profits, just misery and pain.
Sagittarius … Mercury is trine with Sagittarius at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will drink a tainted daiquiri, or be involved in medical quackery. Either way, it won’t be a happy ending.
Capricorn … Venus is in opposition to Capricorn now. That isn’t too good for you. In the not too distant future, you will awaken to discover that your shins are shunning you.
Aquarius … Pluto is trine with Aquarius at this time. That portends trouble for you. Be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to hyphenate you.
Pisces … Jupiter is aligned with Mars now. This spells trouble for you. Be careful. Your enemies are planning to trap you between two parentheses. What’s the answer to that dilemma? Check with Dennis Miller. He may suggest a way out for you.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved