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astrology

 

Hello fellow space travelers.

Ready for another week of perilous predictions?

I hope so.

We’ve worked our tails off to find the latest interpretations of the celestial sphere and its machinations to provide you with an exclusive look into the future.

We hope it helps you endure.

In any case, enjoy…

Aries … The Sun is in Aries at this time. It is a bad sign for you. In the distant future, you will write a dissertation on calculations without qualifications. You will then be thrown out of college without a degree of dignity.

Taurus …The Earth is trine with Taurus at this moment. Be careful now. Your enemies wish to reduce you to a simple compound. It could very well be be “Compound W”, for warts.

Gemini …Pluto is digressing at the moment. That isn’t favorable for you. In the distant future, you will become infamous when you hatch a Peeping Tom from a chicken egg. Then, the public will discover it was a hoax and you will be scorned, and perhaps scorched.

Cancer …The Earth is in opposition to Cancer at this time. That portends something bad. In the distant future, will do research on dreadnoughts or, the Dread-Scott Decision. Either way, it will be dreadful for you.

Leo … The Sun is on the cusp of Leo now. In the not too distant future, you will buy some spandex for a spaniel in the span of a few minutes. However, the dog will bite you, giving you a case of rabies.

Virgo …Venus is rising now after a long nap. This foretells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will find a dime in slime just in time to see a crime. But, you will be accused of the criminal act and be arrested. Sorry.

Libra …Neptune is in its fifth house decorating for the holidays. It’s in a bad mood since half of the lights aren’t working. That’s bad for you. In the distant future, you will be disappointed when a palm reader won’t read your palm tree after you cross their palm with silver. Too bad because the prediction was going to result in a lot of cash for your your tree.

Scorpio …Mars is having tea with the Mars Rover at this time. This isn’t good for you. In the distant future, you will meet an Army Private in a public storage place. He will try to enlist your assistance in a crime against his sergeant. You will decide to help him, but you’ll get caught trying to make the sergeant eat his uniform. You will spend ten days in the brig.

Sagittarius …Jupiter is aligned with Sagittarius now. That isn’t good for you. In the distant future, you will become the poster child for “Post-it Notes”. This will prove difficult for you since you will have the tendency to stick to everything and become a nuisance.

Capricorn …Mercury is in its third house now taking a nap. This foretells problems for you. Sometime in the distant future, you will attempt to play soccer in a storage locker with Dennis Miller. You will injure yourself trying to kick the ball resulting in months of physical therapy for a pulled groin muscle. Miller won’t even send you a get well card. How sad.

Aquarius …Saturn is in opposition to Aquarius at this time. This isn’t good for you. In the future, you will travel to Poland to find a pole dancer, but end up with a polecat in your pants. Ouch!

Pisces …Uranus is in its eighth house now due to a septic tank problem. It’s in a foul mood. This isn’t good for you. In the distant future, you will be surprised when you are served spring water with actual (rusty) springs in it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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