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astrology

 

Welcome back my fine weathered friends.

This is the last HORROR-Scope for 2014.

We studiously studied the Celestial Sphere (even more than usual) to give you the best advice possible to make your lives livable.

We’ve discovered that the planets are aligned in such a way as to indicate the best New Year’s Resolution for you for the upcoming year.

We hope you consider the suggestion.

Happy New Year to you all.

Enjoy

Aries … Mercury is rising now. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to spend the rest of your life undulating, in spite of the fact that you will develop spinal problems as a result. Enjoy!

Taurus … Uranus is trine with Taurus at the moment. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to train your brain to dance. You will enjoy that, even while confined to a mental hospital.

Gemini … Saturn is on the cusp of Gemini now. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to twiddle your toes as much as possible. It may cost you a bundle on podiatrist visits, but it will be worth it.

Cancer … The Moon is in Cancer at this time and feels depressed. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to satisfy your secret, unconscious urge to shave Dennis Miller, and/or all squirrels in your vicinity.

Leo … Mercury is in opposition to Leo now. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to satisfy your desire to learn how to decoupage camouflage. The military will love it. They will enlist you for a lifetime.

Virgo … Venus is in its fifth house playing poker with some asteroids. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to satisfy your urge to plant farmers in a nearby field. You might be arrested for farming in a non-farming zone, but so what.

Libra … Jupiter is aligned with Libra at this time. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to put fringe on your fridge. The possibilities are unlimited. However you will glue your hands to the door.

Scorpio …Mars is rising now and on the cusp of Scorpio. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to take all your naps in a knapsack. You might lose your job when you sleep in and get to work late, but it’s worth the risk.

Sagittarius … Pluto is trine with Sagittarius now. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to quit your job, then research and write a book called, “101 Uses For A Chicken Neck”. Let us know how that works out.

Capricorn …The Earth is nearing the cusp of Capricorn at this time. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to start a new religion based on headgear. You can call it, Helmetology. You’ll be surprised at how many people will think you’re odd.

Aquarius …The Sun is in its second house preparing for a future eclipse. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to write a book called, “How To Juggle Spleens For Fun And Profit”. All Internists will applaud you. But, you will be arrested for performing in public without a permit.

Pisces…Neptune is descending now. Your 2015 New Year’s Resolution should be to write an explosive new book called, “How To Cook With Dynamite”. The government will probably ban it, and you could face jail time if indicted for possession of the substance, but it will be worth your time and effort.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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