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astrology

Hi there, you lucky followers, and guests.

We are now into the brand new year we’ve all been anticipating.

We here at HORROR-Scope Central have been especially anxious for its arrival.

Why, you ask?

Because now, we will be using the most modern and interpretive innovation to bring you the latest and greatest predictions of your future.

We have just acquired the most fantastic development in Astrological Analysis.

It’s a sophisticated computer system called, The Astro-Cyber-Prognosticator 2070, (AKA, Mondas 2070).

It’s the only computer of its kind in the universe.

We were very fortunate to get it.

It’s still in Beta testing, but the developers (two semi-retired Cybermen) promise it will give you, our favored readers, new and unique forecasts into your future.

Forget about the old, HORROR-Scope Central Staff, (five monkeys and an aardvark), which had been bringing you their celestial analysis and prognostications over the past few years.

According to the Cybermen, they’re all happily retired now and living in sunny, Miami, Florida on huge pensions and benefits befitting their status.

So let’s get on with it.

Here is your first week’s HORROR-Scope for 2015.

Thank you Cybermen.

Enjoy…

Aries … Mercury is rising now. I know it’s noting new, however that isn’t good for you at this time. It indicates trouble for you. Not long from now, you will be arrested for molesting moles on private property. The bond will be too high for you to bail out.

Taurus … Uranus is trine with Taurus at the moment. That foretells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will carry a carrier pigeon to Tucumcari. While there, you will be arrested for carrying a concealed pigeon without a license. You will hire a “fly by night” attorney who won’t be of much help in your case.

Gemini … Saturn is on the cusp of Gemini now. That’s not the best indicator. In the not too distant future, you will fall in love with a rabbit during an upcoming Leap Year. Unfortunately, the bunny will leave you for a jackalope sometime around Easter. Sorry about that.

Cancer … The Moon is in Cancer at this time and feels depressed. That portends trouble for you. In the distant future, you will kiss a shrew or, a used, athletic shoe. It could go either way. But it will be gross. Enjoy.

Leo … Mercury is in opposition to Leo now. That’s never a good sign. In the not too distant future, you will quit whatever you are doing and spend a whole year writing a book called, “101 Things To Do With A Boiled Chicken Neck”. You will sell a total of seven copies worldwide. You will be very depressed over that. You will change the title to,“102 Things To Do With A Boiled Chicken Neck”, hoping to do better, but sales will slump.

Virgo … Venus is in its fifth house playing poker with some asteroids. It’s losing money. That’s bad for you. Not long from now, you will open a food truck selling sandwiches made of actual sand. It won’t go well for you during the lawsuit.

Libra … Jupiter is aligned with Libra at this time. That isn’t favorable for you. In the not too distant future, after losing a bet, you will be obligated to eat an SUV. Let’s hope it’s a small one. Bon appetite!

Scorpio …Mars is rising now and on the cusp of Scorpio. That’s spells trouble for you. Be careful. Your enemies are planning to rearrange your appendages using Feng Sui principals. Let us know how that works out.

Sagittarius … Pluto is trine with Sagittarius now. This foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, People will think you’re nuts, when you design a line of clothing for squirrels. Calvin Kline, Inc. will sue you for copyright infringement.

Capricorn …The Earth is nearing the cusp of Capricorn at this time. That’s bad for you. In the somewhat distant future, you will have the urge to sit on a clutch of chicken eggs in order to hatch a flock of chickpeas to make hummus. You will end up with burning and itching hemorrhoids and a nest of rotten eggs. Ouch!

Aquarius …The Sun is in its second house preparing for a future eclipse. That’s not too good for you. In the distant future, people will adore your fedora, until they discover an aggressive walrus hiding under it. A game warden will arrest you for carrying a concealed, marine mammal without a permit. Wow, your hat size must be gigantic.

Pisces…Neptune is descending now. That portends trouble for you. Not long from now, you will write a book called, “How To Masticate For Fun And Profit”. You will promote the book on The Dennis Miller Radio Show. You will make a lot of money, but the government will take a big bite out of your profits.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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