Hello again, fellow campers.
It’s time for your favorite source of prognostications.
This week’s listing includes everything from badgers to bruising, and water to Weird Al.
There’s not much else to say, my friends.
Aries… Venus is rising again, and for some reason it’s painful. That’s bad. In the distant future, you will be arrested for subway surfing without a permit. You will spend a week in jail with Dennis Miller. He will have been arrested for eating a dictionary in public without a permit. You’ll ask to be placed in solitary confinement.
Taurus… Saturn is in its fifth house cleaning up after a wild, New year’s Eve party with the moons of Jupiter. Not long from now, you will fail in your attempt to start a “Badger Helper” business for disabled people.
Gemini… Mars is in court this week on jury duty. That portends bad luck for you. In the future, you will try to pay a plumber in plums, but he won’t accept it as payment. As a result he will re-pipe your dwelling, trapping you in your bathroom.
Cancer… The Moon is on the cusp of Capricorn now. That isn’t good. Sometime in the future, you will profit from a prophet. However your wealth will be short lived when you succumb to your urge to bet on the latest gambling craze, Spleen Racing.
Leo… The Sun is in its seventh house planning a new solar flare. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will spend your life, and lose all your money trying to train your gerbil to speak Armenian. It won’t go well.
Virgo… Uranus is trine with Virgo at this moment. That’s unfortunate for you. Sometime in the near future, you will try to stylize a stye in your eye, but it will make you look grotesque. People will reject you, causing you to go into a deep depression.
Libra… Neptune is square with Libra now. That isn’t very good for you. Not too long from now, you will spend all your money purchasing a local bar, for sale at a bargain price. But you’ll be barred from opening it. Too bad for you.
Scorpio… The Earth is on the cusp of Scorpio at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend years writing a self-help book called, “How To Patina Yourself For Fun & Profit.” Unfortunately, you will only sell two copies. One will be will be bought by a lonely aardvark. Weird Al will buy the other and make a fortune with it.
Sagittarius… Pluto is sick with the Solar Flu now. That’s bad for you. Not long from now, you will awaken to find yourself standing on a street corner in tattered clothing, holding a sign, which says, “Will cough up phlegm for tattoos”. That won’t go well at all.
Capricorn… Mars is trine with Capricorn at this time. That isn’t good for you. In the distant future, you will spend years writing a non-fiction book called, “How to Poke Pork For Fun And Profit”. You will not sell a single copy. You will become penniless as a result.
Aquarius… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now. That foretells problems for you. Not long from now, you will get things done in a pinch, but everyone will complain of bruising. You will be arrested for assault and spend a lot of time behind bars playing Negro Spirituals on a harmonica.
Pisces… Mercury is descending now. That’s not good. In the near future, your friends and family will think it quite fishy when you tell them you have the desire to hitch hike to Honolulu under water.
And… remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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