Hi there, friends.
Are you ready for another round of delightful diversions?
If not, that’s okay, because we are offering you more unique troubles to make your lives more…shall we say… interesting?
But, after all, that’s what, “Your HORROR-Scope” is all about.
So, let’s get to it.
Aries … The Sun is in Aries now. That portends weirdness. In the future, your friends and family will think you’re strange when you tell them that you are planning to shave all the legumes you can find.
Taurus … Mars is trine with Taurus at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will reach a ripe old age only to be hand picked by a migrant farm worker and sold to a tribe of rouge arthropods.
Gemini … The Earth is aligned with Mercury now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will be arrested for displaying your wart without a permit. You will end up in jail for resisting arrest.
Cancer … The Moon is in Cancer now. This foretells trouble. Sometime soon, you will be annoyed by a muse who sings the blues. It will make you confused, and dizzy.
Leo … Jupiter is aligned with Leo now, in an unfavorable way. That’s spells trouble. You will write a book called “101 Uses For Flab”. You will then be boycotted by the Flab Patrol for mocking flab in a vicious way.
Virgo … Saturn is rising now. That’s not good. It portends trouble for you. In the future, you will meet a hugger who turns out to be a mugger. It won’t turn out very well for you.
Libra … Mercury is descending quickly now. That isn’t good. In the distant future, you will give a doll to a dolphin. It will eat it then get sick. You then will be harassed by the, “Save The Dolphins From Dolls Society”.
Scorpio … Venus is in its fifth house now getting ready to play Space Monopoly with some friends. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will step on a turd or a turtle. In any case it won’t be much fun. In fact, it will be a smelly situation.
Sagittarius … Pluto is in its second house looking for some flea spray. That spells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will be attacked and mauled by a bunch of vicious, tiger lilies.
Capricorn … Uranus is descending now and gaining on the cusp of Capricorn. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, will visit a swamp and suffer a lot when the cattails in the water start coughing up hairballs in your direction.
Aquarius … Mars is in opposition to Aquarius now. That’s not good. In the distant future, will suddenly feel very warm in cold waters when a whale relieves itself near you.
Pisces … Venus is trine with Pisces at this time. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will try to speak gerbil but you will never get the pronunciation just right, especially words containing accent marks. You will become the laughing stock of the gerbil community and Dennis Miller.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved