Once again, our Astro-Cyber-Prognosticator 2070, (AKA, Mondas 2070) has compiled the latest in celestial chart analysis just for you.
The results are just a few sentences from here.
We hope you can cope.
If you’ve been with us for any length of time, you are a survivor, and we salute you.
Aries … Pluto is on the cusp of Aries at this time and is nervous about it. That’s not good. In the future, you will have the urge to steal the prepositions from all written works. On your first attempt, you will be caught and arrested by the Grammar Police.
Taurus … Uranus is trine with Taurus at this time and nearing the cusp. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will wake up and convince yourself that calibration is the answer to longevity.
Gemini … The Moon is in its eighth house repairing some dry wall. That is just bad for you. In the not too distant future, you will be harassed by a band of roving oysters. They will annoy you with loud music from Pearl Jam.
Cancer … Jupiter is aligned with Venus now. That’s spells trouble. In the future, you will spend all your money to acquire acreage near Anchorage. Unfortunately, it will be under water and totally inaccessible.
Leo … Uranus is square with Leo at this time. That’s not too good for you. In the future, you’ll get a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt on cattle drive.
Virgo … The Earth is in opposition to Virgo now. That foretells problems. In the distant future, you will attempt to sell insurance to chickens and accept payment in eggs. The insurance company will deny all claims due to your illegible writing, which they will describe as “chicken scratching”.
Libra … Mars is adjacent to Libra now. That spells trouble. In the future, you will spend years researching and writing a book called, “How To Pamper Pampas Grass”. You will only sell a few copies to gauchos and one to Dennis Miller.
Scorpio … Mercury is rising now and nearing the cusp of Scorpio. That’s bad. In the not too distant future, you will get banged up on a bus while watching the movie, “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”. Your insurance will not cover your injuries.
Sagittarius … The Sun is in opposition to Sagittarius now. That’s spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will attempt to develop rubber gloves so you can get a grip on your sanity. However, they will never work very well.
Capricorn … Jupiter is descending now toward the cusp of Capricorn. That’s not very good. In the not too distant future, you will try computer dating. Unfortunately, your date will crash after a software malfunction.
Aquarius … Venus is trine with Aquarius at this time. Too bad for you. In the future, you will get head lice twice after handling some mice in a maze. You’ll be itching to get rid of them.
Pisces … Saturn is aligned with Pisces now. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months researching, and writing a book called, “How To Pamper Your Pancreas”. You will only sell a few copes to gastroenterologists and one to Dennis Miller.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved