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astrology

Hello fellow sky watchers.

Here is your weekly plethora of predictions for your pleasure.

This week’s list includes cattle, trout, and a croissant.

I know it sounds weird, but that’s how the cookie crumbles this week.

Enjoy, and try to persevere. It’s more fun that way.

Aries… Uranus is trine with Aries now. That portends problems. In the future, you will get a ticket for Cattle driving without a license. You will seek the advice of a cowboy who will hog tie you.

Taurus…Mercury is descending at this time. That means trouble for you. In the distant future, you will become a Physical Therapist for “Lame Duck” politicians. They will attempt to swindle you out of all your money. One will succeed.

Gemini… Mars is rising now and is getting light headed. That’s not too good. One day, a cocky kangaroo will kick you after you pickpocket its pouch. It will hurt a lot. Ouch!

Cancer…The Moon is in its eighth house planning its next eclipse. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will try to get your pet trout into the Olympics, but the swim coach won’t go along with it. In fact the team will eat it after a hard days workout.

Leo…Jupiter is aligned with Mars again. That spells trouble. In the far future, you will become weary of a certain fairy while at a dairy. The fairy will milk you for all you are worth.

Virgo…Uranus is in its second house getting it ready for new renters. That could produce a problem for you. One day, you will buy a potbelly stove or a potbelly pig. Either way it will be quite messy, and smelly.

Libra…Saturn is on the cusp of Libra now. That’s too bad. One morning you will awaken, convinced that you are Napoleon Bonaparte. You will immediately rush out and order a café au lait and a croissant. You will then be arrested for being naked in a coffee shop without a permit.

Scorpio…The Sun is square with Scorpio at this time. That spells trouble. Some day, you will open a culinary school for squirrels, but they will drive you nuts and you will close it, losing all of your investment.

Sagittarius …Venus is in opposition to Sagittarius now. Too bad for you. In the distant future, you will decide to spend the rest of your life searching for the brink of dawn. You’ll never find it and you will end up penniless.

Capricorn… Pluto is at the vet’s office now. That portends problems. In the not too distant future, will spend months writing a non-fiction book called “A Year In The Life Of A Pet Rock”. All your notes will say the same thing, “Day One, it’s just sitting there. Day two, it’s still sitting there.” etc. You will finally give up, never noticing that it rocks at night while you are asleep.

Aquarius… Neptune is approaching the cusp of Pisces now. That spells trouble. In the future, will petition the government to establish a National Radiation Day to celebrate the power of the atom, (especially gamma rays). You will be the first to be radiated. Your “half life” will then begin.

Pisces… The Earth is aligned with Pisces now. That portends trouble. In the future, will try to convince the government that they should conduct a Zombie Census. Many politicians will tell you to count them in on it. Shortly after the census, you will be attacked by one of the undead (perhaps Dennis Miller).

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Comments on: "Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Feb. 1st, 2015" (4)

  1. Take heart friend. You are a genius. There will be other projects. The world will respond favorably 🙂

  2. Jessie Martinovic said:

    kind of bumbed that the whole horror-story is done, a few months ago I thought I was a genius when I wrote it, along with shark-rahs

  3. It doesn’t hurt to be careful.

  4. well, I’m a Leo, and that business with the fairy, doesn’t look all that bad. maybe I’m reading it wrong. I’ve been wrong before, but only once or twice.

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