It’s hard to believe a week has gone by already.
We’ve cranked up our super computer just for your readings.
This weeks prognostications include shadows, success, and nightmares.
They will require a level of coping from you.
We trust you can handle it.
Taurus … Mars is in its seventh house fuming over the price of new siding. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will take a chance, perform a dance, and get kicked in the pants, (maybe by Dennis Miller) all in one evening. Let us know how that goes.
Gemini …The Sun is trine with Gemini now. That foretells problems for you. Someday you will gasp at the price of fame. You will realize that you’ve been overcharged and demand a refund. You won’t get it.
Cancer … Venus is descending now and is in a bad mood. That spells trouble for you. Sometime in the future, you will be convinced that McDonald’s “golden arches” should be brown to match the color of their burgers. You will be escorted out of the corporate offices by Ronald McDonald, who will then juggle you.
Leo … Pluto is on the cusp of Leo but won’t stay long because he’s double-parked. That foretells problems for you. One day in the future, you will try to sell a tailor a “cloaking device”. He will refuse. Then he will disappear. You will suddenly realize your wallet is missing along with the five hundred dollars you just got from the ATM.
Virgo … Saturn is square with Virgo now. That’s never good. In the not too future, you will lick a lunatic during an ecliptic. Good luck with that.
Libra … The Moon is in its fourth house having ceiling fans installed by an incompetent handyman. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you convince yourself that you must buy hundreds of masks in the event that someday you will lose face.
Scorpio … Uranus is in opposition to Scorpio at this time. That’s never good. Someday, in the future, you will suddenly find the key to instant success, only to misplace it along with your TV remote.
Sagittarius …Jupiter is aligned with Mars now. That’s always a bad sign. Eventually, you will fear your own shadow. You will hire a bodyguard to protect you from it. But you won’t sleep much.
Capricorn …The Earth is trine with Capricorn at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will convince yourself that you must paint many portraits of law enforcement officers to become proficient in Marshall Arts.
Aquarius …Venus is rising now and is square with Aquarius. That isn’t good. You should have an emergency number readily available. In the future you will bleed badly from cutting edge technology.
Pisces … The Sun is in opposition to Pisces now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will awaken to find that your worst nightmare has come true. You will be a revolving door. The rest of the world will push you around forever.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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