Here we are again, dear friends.
It’s been an exhausting week compiling your Horror-Scopes.
Things have been in the ditch, since we had a computer glitch.
But in the end, the Cybermen came to our rescue and reprogrammed the computer.
So now we have a new batch of badness for you.
The predictions range from dominos to bullhorns.
Ready or not, here we go.
Enjoy…if you can.
Aries… Pluto is rising now and wants to be one of those helper dogs. It won’t work out for Pluto or for you. In the future, you will try to steak a claim on a gold mine in Alaska, but wild animals will keep eating the steaks you use. You will then lose your claim and prospect somewhere else. We think it will be in Prospect Park located in Brooklyn, NY. Let us know how that works out.
Taurus…Neptune is in opposition to Taurus now and it spells trouble for you. In the future, you will be thought of as odd when you try to ride a bullhorn in public. Try not to be too loud.
Gemini…Saturn is aligned with Gemini now. That isn’t too good for you. In the future, you will spend several years writing a book called, “How to Wattle Your Way To Wealth”. Only a few turkeys, and Dennis Miller will buy it.
Cancer… Venus is descending into a funk at this time. That’s not good. In the future, you enemies will hog tie you using only pork rinds. That will take quite a while to accomplish. In time, you will eat yourself free, but develop a cholesterol problem as a result.
Leo… The Sun is in opposition to Leo at this time. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will start a successful business renting out eyebrows to lowbrows who will later default on their loan payments to you. That will leave you bankrupt.
Virgo… The Earth is trine with Virgo now and that’s never good. In the future, you will become a world famous hairdresser specializing in nose hair. Your friends will jokingly say you have a nose job. You will constantly catch cold and the flu from your clients. All your money will be spent on cold and flu remedies.
Libra… Mars is in its fifth house having some skylights installed. That isn’t good. In the not too distant future, you will develop an interest in bird watching. Eventually you will build a nest for a jailbird who will take advantage of you.
Scorpio…Mercury is aligned with Mars now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you’ll convince yourself that you’ll become rich by being silent, since it is said, “Silence is golden”. Your friends and family will like your idea, but you’ll be unhappy and poor as a result.
Sagittarius…Uranus is rising now to a new standard. That isn’t good. Sometime soon, you will convince yourself that you can relieve all anxiety in people by having them wear “Relaxed Fit” jeans. You will become anxious over your idea and spend the rest of your life in therapy.
Capricorn… Jupiter is in its second house now having some plumbing repairs done. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will befriend a rodeo clown. Unfortunately both of you will become bored, and later gored. Ouch!
Aquarius… The Moon is in its seventh house getting ready for a dominos tournament. Things aren’t working out. It can’t find pencils and score sheets. That foretells trouble for you. One day, you will get into a jam while shopping for marmalade. It will be a sticky mess. Yuck!
Pisces… Venus is in its third house now planning to redecorate. It is frustrated over color selections. That’s not good for you. Someday, a lawmaker will give you a parachute, however when you need it most, you will find that it’s full of loop holes.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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