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horoscope chart

 

We’re back.

We have a whole new batch of badness for you this week.

The predictions range from wormwood to waddles.

We hope you can tolerate it.

Good luck!

 

Aries… The Moon is in its seventh house playing Monopoly with a neighbor. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will convince yourself that you can catch fish with wormwood as bait. In the end, the only thing you’ll catch is termites.

Taurus… Mars is trending now, and on the cusp of Taurus at this time. That spells trouble for you. Someday, you will believe that you can get some spring in your step by gluing coils on your shoes. It will work, but you will end up with two sprained ankles.

Gemini… The Earth is descending to new lows at this time. Hmmm. That’s going to present problems for you. In the future, you will become the star of the cigar aficionado world when you become the world’s first human humidor. The humidity will cause your skin to get puffy and wrinkled.

Cancer… Venus is square with Cancer now. That’s not good for you. You will spend years and hundreds of dollars researching and writing a book called, “How to Languish for Fun And Profit”. You will later find that people are just too lazy to buy it, or read it. Unfortunately, it will become a flop.

Leo… Uranus is trine with Leo now. Too bad for you. In the future, you will feast on Dungeness crabs in a dungeon. However, you will get pneumonia from the dampness of the dungeon, and an allergic reaction from the crabs.

Virgo… Neptune is in its fifth house having the rugs shampooed. The place smells awful. That’s not good. In the future, you will sail the seven seas after marrying a sailfish. Unfortunately, you will be seasick the whole time.

Libra… Saturn is on the cusp of Libra now. That’s always bad. In the future, you will want to swim in safe waters, but you will not remember the combination. You will go into the water anyway, only to be accosted by a loony locksmith.

Scorpio… Pluto is in opposition to Scorpio now. That’s not good for you. In the not too future, you will spend years and thousands of dollars researching and writing a book called, “How To Waddle Your Way To Wellness”. Only a few quack doctors, and Dennis Miller, will endorse it.

Sagittarius… Mercury is descending into madness now. Too bad for you Sagittarians. In the future, you will feel a lot better, and walk straighter when you take the gourds out of your underwear.

Capricorn… The Sun is rising now in opposition to Capricorn. That’s not good for you. In the distant future, you will lose pounds pondering near a pond, wasting the rest of your life there in thought but no action.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in its third house now That spells trouble for Aquarians. Someday, you will sell your retirement investment, (a button collection) for what you believe is a more profitable risk, (a zipper collection). Unfortunately, the zipper market will fall apart when it gets caught up in a scandal. Bottom line, you will lose all your money, and your pants.

Pisces… Venus is in opposition to Pisces at this time. Hmmm. That’s going to present problems for you. In the future, you will decide to get a job in a tin mine. You will quit that job after you develop tinnitus.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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