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Archive for March, 2015

Matron Mulls Mortality


 

 

old lady

Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death

PORTLAND, ME—

In an effort to remain mentally sharp well into her golden years, local senior citizen Evelyn Gordon, 86, told reporters Thursday she keeps her mind active by regularly contemplating her rapidly approaching death.

“For just a few minutes every day, I really try to focus in and challenge my brain by thinking about all the different ways I might die in the next few years,” said Gordon, who attempts to improve cognitive function by performing mental exercises whenever she has downtime, such as calculating the number of days she has left on earth or carefully visualizing friends and family paying their respects at her funeral.

“Then, before bed, I like to give my memory a nice workout by recalling all of the close friends and loved ones who have already passed away, and how that could realistically happen to me any day now. Of course, mostly I keep my mind sharp by concentrating on what it means to vanish into nothingness and be utterly forgotten. It really helps keep me alert.”

Gordon added that she has also taken to learning something new every day about the neurodegenerative diseases that will quite possibly claim her mind sometime soon.

Found@ http://www.theonion.com/articles/senior-citizen-keeps-mind-active-by-contemplating,38311/

 Hmmm…

Evelyn contemplates death,

Taking her last living breath;

When is her last day?

Could it be today?

It seems to have shades of Macbeth.

 

She thinks of the ways she could die,

And the people who would surely cry;

She thinks of folks gone,

Those who have moved on,

She doesn’t look back and ask why.

 

She does it for mental agility,

She hopes it will help her abilities;

She thinks about dying,

Without any crying,

Death has its own grave futility.

 

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

News, poetry

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: March 29th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As you can plainly see, we are back again with another rendition of your favorite weekly list of practical predictions.

You are eager to see what the planets have in store for you.

You want to find out what the future will bring.

Well, as usual, the future is not bringing you gifts of happiness and joy.

After all this is a HORROR-Scope.

This week’s bevy of badness includes a grass skirt, authorships, and something called, Magic Muffin Dust.

Enjoy, my little pretties.

Aries… Mercury is planning a vacation but has just found out that a solar storm will ruin it. That isn’t good for you. An injury, or courtroom perjury, is in your distant future. Either way it will be painful for you.

Taurus… Neptune is in its fourth house arguing with some tenants. That’s never a good sign. In the not too future, you will have your ups and downs when you get trapped in an elevator for thirteen hours, thirteen minutes, and thirteen seconds. You will be accompanied by thirteen hungry rats

Gemini… Mars is reclining now but feels nauseous. That spells trouble. Someday, you will float away into the sky after your cardiologist inserts helium filled balloons into your heart’s arteries during a balloon angioplasty.

Cancer… Saturn is in transit now through an unscheduled asteroid storm. It hates asteroid storms. That’s bad for you. In the distant future, you will run into a lawn mower while wearing a grass skirt, but you won’t get really hurt until you plow into the dirt. Ouch!

Leo… The Earth is in its third house changing all the light bulbs to more energy efficient types. It’s a lot of work and the Earth is not happy. That spells trouble for you. Not too long from now, you will experience blight in the middle of the night without a light, causing great fright. Let us know how that works out for you.

Leo… Jupiter is rising from a deep sleep and is disoriented. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will attempt to learn Spanish in order to impress some Spanish moss. It will never work out because you will never be able to get the verbs right.

Libra… Uranus is square with Libra now and that’s never good. In the not too future, you will spend years writing a bestseller called “The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pondering”. You will only sell a few (for a dollar) to wandering hobos, street corner beggars, and Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… Venus is rising now and is getting light headed. That’s never a good sign. In the future, shortly after you get a degree in Criminology, you will begin a crime spree of your own. Of course you will get caught when you brag about how clever you think you were in covering up your foul deeds.

Sagittarius… The Sun is in opposition to Sagittarius at this time. That spells trouble for you. You will soon make an important connection and it will shock you. Sorry about that.

Capricorn… Pluto is trine with Capricorn and is anxious about it. That foretells problems. Sometime in the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Lick A Lippizon”. Only a few horse trainers, and Dennis Miller, will buy it.

Aquarius… Mars is in opposition to Aquarius at this time. Opposition is never good for you. Sometime in the distant future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Gauge Gullets For Fun And Profit”. You won’t sell a single copy.

Pisces… The Moon is on the cusp of Pisces now, but wants to be in its fifth house for a party. That combination is never good. One day you will awaken, convinced that a substance called Magic Muffin Dust will cure the world of all ills and evil. You will spend the rest of your life searching for it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

The Fortune Cookie For: March 24th, 2015


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Truth has its own brilliance.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Fortune Cookie, Uncategorized

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: March 22nd, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello planet watchers.

It’s time for your weekly prognostication posting.

As usual, it foretells quirky problems.

The problem makers range from lemons to cherries.

We hope you can cope.

We want to see you back next week.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is adjacent to, and square with Aries at this time. That’s not good for you. In the near future, you will become addicted to lemon zest. Because of that, you will only sing, hum, or whistle sour notes. Let us know how that works out for you.

Taurus… Uranus is in its first house trying to fix an electrical problem. The result will be shocking. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will either study the work of Zasu Pitts, or swallow some sour, cherry pits. Either way, it will cause you to gag a lot.

Gemini… The Sun is in transit now and nearing the cusp of Gemini. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will fail in your attempt to tame a vicious circle.

Cancer… The Moon is trine with Cancer at this time but wants to be square with it. That isn’t good. Someday, you will have the uncontrollable desire to revitalize and redevelop the concept of smell-a-vision. It won’t be a pleasant experience.

Leo… Saturn is accumulating solar ice now. That always makes it cold and wobbly. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will have the desire to become a Chiropractor for spiny lobsters. You will spend many hours holding your breath under water training for it, resulting in pruney, water logged hands.

Virgo… The Earth is making an unscheduled visit to its first house due to a faulty security alarm and that’s always bad. Someday you will eat a rotten onion, or suck on a bum’s bunion. Either way it will be disgusting. Let us know how that works out.

Libra… Mars is approaching the cusp of Libra now and doesn’t like it. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will spend all your time on money researching and writing a book called, “Trivet Trivia”. Sales will be abysmal.

Scorpio… Mercury is in its fifth house trying to diffuse a serious issue with its neighbor. It isn’t working out. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend all your time on money researching and writing a book called, “How To Gargle For Fun And Profit”. You will only sell a few copies to a band of roving dentists, and Dennis Miller.

Sagittarius… Venus is in its eighth house for a termite inspection. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. One day, you will make the decision to spend all your time, and lose all your money researching and writing a book called, “How To Be Arcane For Fun And Profit”. Except for Dennis Miller, no one will buy it.

Capricorn… The Moon is square with Capricorn now and almost on the cusp. That’s always a bad indicator. In the distant future you will decide to skip work frequently to spend more “quality time” with your colon, which you’ve neglected for so many years. That will result in a loss of income, and many personal problems for you.

Aquarius… Jupiter is depressed because Venus refused to go on a date with it. That means trouble for you. In the distant future, you will find yourself madly cutting up apples, in search of your core beliefs.

Pisces… Neptune is about to fight a traffic ticket in court at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, a skeleton key, or a skeleton crew will frighten you. Either way you will end up wetting your pants over it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

The Fortune Cookie For: March 18th, 2015


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“One cannot possibly make a mountain out of a molehill.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Uncategorized

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: March 15th, 2015


 

horoscope chart

Welcome to the only free, horrorscopic prediction service in existence (on this planet).

To our weekly listeners we say, thanks again for tuning in.

Yes we, know, we ended the last sentence with a preposition. We knew we’d do that. It was in the stars.

We are proud and happy to present this week’s list of the latest readings of the orbs in our solar system.

They range from mimes, to minds, to the Mafia.

We hope you will survive.

Until next week, good luck!

Aries… The Moon is stargazing at the moment and is blinded by the light. That’s not very good for your sign. In the not too distant future, no one will know or recognize you after your identity is stolen. You will spend the rest of your life trying to get it back. In the meantime, you will exist as a generic person in a town named Whoville.

Taurus…Mercury is nearing the cusp of Taurus now. That spells trouble. In the future, you will become convinced that you can make a fortune being a “con artist”. However, you will not make any money because no convict will allow you to do a sketch or portrait of them. Too bad.

Gemini… The Sun is in its fifth house and the house catching on fire. That’s bad for you. In the distant future, you will be shocked when you are shackled in a shack by shock troops. Let us know how that works out.

Cancer… Mars is in its third house waiting for a Realtor. He’s running late. That spells trouble for you. Someday you will spend all your time and money writing a book called, “A Guide To The Bathrooms Of The Rich And Famous”. You will sell only one copy each to Robert Osborne, and Ben Mankiewicz. You will then realize that you have flushed all your money down the toilet.

Leo… Venus is on the cusp of Leo now. Leo doesn’t like it, and that means trouble for you. In the future, you will be arrested by The Barber Patrol for trying to shear a shepherd without a license. You will be held without bail until your trial. The judge will not like your sheepish grin and sentence you to five years of grazing. Sorry.

Libra… Neptune is in its eight house wondering why is has so many houses to contend with. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will attempt to train your dog to be a mime. He won’t like it. As a result, he won’t speak to you for the rest of his life.

Virgo… Jupiter is now aligned with Mars and Mars isn’t happy about it. That will bring you trouble. In the distant future, you will become a proofreader for all Mafia and Cosa nostra publications. The families will take care of you, and prison won’t be so bad.

Scorpio… The Earth is trine with Scorpio but wants to be square. That foretells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop a fear of laughter, thus avoiding all possible humorous situations, but not The Dennis Miller Show.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in in jail now awaiting trial for drunk orbiting. That’s not good for you. Let’s hope you like war stories, or doggie tales, because one day in the distant future you will become infatuated with a vegetarian veteran or a professional veterinarian who drives a corvette like a bat out of hell. Either way it will be a stressful situation.

Capricorn… Saturn is busy shepherding its rings now. They aren’t cooperating. That means trouble for you. Not long from now, someone will poke you in your mind’s eye. It will be painful and injure you. You will spend many years in rehabilitation with a specialist called an Opthobrainiac.

Aquarius… Pluto is descending now and is getting a nose bleed. That isn’t too good for you. In the not too distant future, you will convince yourself that marzipan and mouse hair are the answer to all the world’s problems. A team of psychiatrists will tell you they agree with you, just long enough to have you committed.

Pisces… Mars is on the cusp of Pisces at this time but wants to be trine with it. That’s spells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop an inflated ego and eventually end up as a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. It will be day of freezing rain, and wind. Your tethers will break and you will soar into the upper atmosphere becoming a stationery satellite.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Scared Swans Separating?


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Study Finds Swans Only Other Animals Who Mate For Few Years, Get Scared, End Things, Then Regret It

 

ATHENS, GA—

Revealing how closely the waterfowl’s social behavior resembles that of humans, a study released Thursday by the University of Georgia has found that swans are the only other members of the animal kingdom that mate for a few years, get scared, decide to end things, and are later filled with immense regret.

“Although most animals either procreate freely or select a single partner with which to mate for life, we observed that swans, like humans, get freaked out about their relationship after an extended period of time together, abruptly call things off, and then come to realize they made a huge mistake,” avian biologist Michael Brooks told reporters, noting that both humans and swans typically grow increasingly dissatisfied with their romantic partner following a particularly monotonous period of feeding and nesting before panicking and concluding that they’re just not ready to settle down.

“While a swan that separates from its partner will inevitably determine that this impulsive decision was foolish, by the time the bird comes to this realization, its former companion has already met someone new and is very, very happy.”

Researchers also noted that only humans and swans enter a painful spiral of regret over their lost relationship and then compulsively mate with several partners in a futile effort to recapture what they once had.

Found @   http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-finds-swans-only-other-animals-who-mate-for,38198/

Hmmm…

Swans not staying together?

They’re not mating forever?

One leaves the nest,

Perhaps due to stress,

Their relationship is severed.

 

A recent swan study has found,

They’re not ready to settle down,

They are dissatisfied,

With what they have tired,

Do they leave not making a sound?

 

Later the swans have regrets,

Does that also apply to Egrets?

When they depart,

Does it break their hearts?

Is it something they cannot forget?

 

Or, is this study a fake?

If so, please give me a break,

In so many words,

We’re not like those birds,

We don’t swim and live in a lake.

 

It’s true couples do split,

When their life styles don’t fit,

But that’s not to say,

It is the swan’s way,

That’s something you’ll have to admit.

 

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

News Stories, poetry

Tagged with:

The Fortune Cookie For: March 10th, 2015


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Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Helping others is a good place to start from, on your road to success.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Fortune Cookie Fortune, Uncategorized

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: March 8th, 2015


 

horoscope chart

 

Welcome back fellow stargazers and meadow grazers.

Here we are again, with another list of predictions of your future.

This week, they range from angels, to toenails, to cowboy boots.

Whoa, we hope you will endure.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is aligned with Mars now. That’s not a good sign. In the distant future, you will be known as a “model employee” after a witch turns you into a mannequin.

Taurus… Mercury is in its third house now attending to a cable problem. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will swat flies and mosquitos, or be swarmed by a SWAT team. Either way, it will be bloody annoying.

Gemini… Venus is descending at this time and not liking it. That isn’t good for you. Someday, you will develop a way to grow fur on toenails. You will try it first. Unfortunately, the fur will migrate to your entire body. That will result in a hairy situation.

Cancer…The Earth is trine with Cancer now. That spells trouble. One day in the future, you will become known for your loud, guttural sounds. People will shun you.

Leo… The Moon is in its seventh house decorating for a party. Things aren’t going well. That means trouble for you. In the distant future, you will spend all your time and money developing a sun blocker product to prevent sunburn from exposure to sunflowers. Unfortunately, you won’t sell any of it, losing all your money.

Virgo…Neptune is tuning up for a recital and can’t get the notes right. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will get a student loan, or get a loan on a student. Either way it will cost you a lot, but you’ll learn a valuable lesson from it.

Libra… Pluto is in its fourth house cooking for a dinner party. Pots are boiling over. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will succumb to your uncontrollable desire to take part in a military maneuver with Dennis Miller in the cold rain and mud.

Scorpio… Mars is descending into a bad mood now. That’s never good for Scorpios. Someday, you will be thought of as strange, and perhaps deranged, when you satisfy your urge to wear cowboy boots on your forearms. The spurs will injure your ribs.

Sagittarius…The Sun is in opposition to Sagittarius at this time. That’s never good. In the not too distant future, you will have the urge to order all stand-up comics to sit down. You will be thrown out of several venues as a result. Depression will set in and you’ll lose your sense of humor.

Capricorn… Mercury is in opposition to Capricorn at this time. That spells trouble for you. Somewhere, someday, your eyes will meet another’s eyes. Your eyes will then elope with their eyes, leaving you in the dark.

Aquarius… Uranus is in its fourth house now having some plasterwork done. It’s not going well. That’s bad for you. One day, in the future, you will develop the face of an angel, but not long after, the angle will take it back just for the hell of it.

Pisces… Jupiter is on the cusp of Pisces at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will awaken to find a miniature Hobbit living in your gerbil’s habit trail. They’ll never get along, causing you much grief and loss of sleep.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

The Fortune Cookie For: March 4th, 2015


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Don’t play the fool to often, lest you become foolhardy.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Fortune Cookie Fortune

Tagged with:

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