Welcome to the only free, horrorscopic prediction service in existence (on this planet).
To our weekly listeners we say, thanks again for tuning in.
Yes we, know, we ended the last sentence with a preposition. We knew we’d do that. It was in the stars.
We are proud and happy to present this week’s list of the latest readings of the orbs in our solar system.
They range from mimes, to minds, to the Mafia.
We hope you will survive.
Until next week, good luck!
Aries… The Moon is stargazing at the moment and is blinded by the light. That’s not very good for your sign. In the not too distant future, no one will know or recognize you after your identity is stolen. You will spend the rest of your life trying to get it back. In the meantime, you will exist as a generic person in a town named Whoville.
Taurus…Mercury is nearing the cusp of Taurus now. That spells trouble. In the future, you will become convinced that you can make a fortune being a “con artist”. However, you will not make any money because no convict will allow you to do a sketch or portrait of them. Too bad.
Gemini… The Sun is in its fifth house and the house catching on fire. That’s bad for you. In the distant future, you will be shocked when you are shackled in a shack by shock troops. Let us know how that works out.
Cancer… Mars is in its third house waiting for a Realtor. He’s running late. That spells trouble for you. Someday you will spend all your time and money writing a book called, “A Guide To The Bathrooms Of The Rich And Famous”. You will sell only one copy each to Robert Osborne, and Ben Mankiewicz. You will then realize that you have flushed all your money down the toilet.
Leo… Venus is on the cusp of Leo now. Leo doesn’t like it, and that means trouble for you. In the future, you will be arrested by The Barber Patrol for trying to shear a shepherd without a license. You will be held without bail until your trial. The judge will not like your sheepish grin and sentence you to five years of grazing. Sorry.
Libra… Neptune is in its eight house wondering why is has so many houses to contend with. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will attempt to train your dog to be a mime. He won’t like it. As a result, he won’t speak to you for the rest of his life.
Virgo… Jupiter is now aligned with Mars and Mars isn’t happy about it. That will bring you trouble. In the distant future, you will become a proofreader for all Mafia and Cosa nostra publications. The families will take care of you, and prison won’t be so bad.
Scorpio… The Earth is trine with Scorpio but wants to be square. That foretells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop a fear of laughter, thus avoiding all possible humorous situations, but not The Dennis Miller Show.
Sagittarius… Uranus is in in jail now awaiting trial for drunk orbiting. That’s not good for you. Let’s hope you like war stories, or doggie tales, because one day in the distant future you will become infatuated with a vegetarian veteran or a professional veterinarian who drives a corvette like a bat out of hell. Either way it will be a stressful situation.
Capricorn… Saturn is busy shepherding its rings now. They aren’t cooperating. That means trouble for you. Not long from now, someone will poke you in your mind’s eye. It will be painful and injure you. You will spend many years in rehabilitation with a specialist called an Opthobrainiac.
Aquarius… Pluto is descending now and is getting a nose bleed. That isn’t too good for you. In the not too distant future, you will convince yourself that marzipan and mouse hair are the answer to all the world’s problems. A team of psychiatrists will tell you they agree with you, just long enough to have you committed.
Pisces… Mars is on the cusp of Pisces at this time but wants to be trine with it. That’s spells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop an inflated ego and eventually end up as a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. It will be day of freezing rain, and wind. Your tethers will break and you will soar into the upper atmosphere becoming a stationery satellite.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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