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horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello planet watchers.

It’s time for your weekly prognostication posting.

As usual, it foretells quirky problems.

The problem makers range from lemons to cherries.

We hope you can cope.

We want to see you back next week.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is adjacent to, and square with Aries at this time. That’s not good for you. In the near future, you will become addicted to lemon zest. Because of that, you will only sing, hum, or whistle sour notes. Let us know how that works out for you.

Taurus… Uranus is in its first house trying to fix an electrical problem. The result will be shocking. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will either study the work of Zasu Pitts, or swallow some sour, cherry pits. Either way, it will cause you to gag a lot.

Gemini… The Sun is in transit now and nearing the cusp of Gemini. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will fail in your attempt to tame a vicious circle.

Cancer… The Moon is trine with Cancer at this time but wants to be square with it. That isn’t good. Someday, you will have the uncontrollable desire to revitalize and redevelop the concept of smell-a-vision. It won’t be a pleasant experience.

Leo… Saturn is accumulating solar ice now. That always makes it cold and wobbly. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will have the desire to become a Chiropractor for spiny lobsters. You will spend many hours holding your breath under water training for it, resulting in pruney, water logged hands.

Virgo… The Earth is making an unscheduled visit to its first house due to a faulty security alarm and that’s always bad. Someday you will eat a rotten onion, or suck on a bum’s bunion. Either way it will be disgusting. Let us know how that works out.

Libra… Mars is approaching the cusp of Libra now and doesn’t like it. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will spend all your time on money researching and writing a book called, “Trivet Trivia”. Sales will be abysmal.

Scorpio… Mercury is in its fifth house trying to diffuse a serious issue with its neighbor. It isn’t working out. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend all your time on money researching and writing a book called, “How To Gargle For Fun And Profit”. You will only sell a few copies to a band of roving dentists, and Dennis Miller.

Sagittarius… Venus is in its eighth house for a termite inspection. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. One day, you will make the decision to spend all your time, and lose all your money researching and writing a book called, “How To Be Arcane For Fun And Profit”. Except for Dennis Miller, no one will buy it.

Capricorn… The Moon is square with Capricorn now and almost on the cusp. That’s always a bad indicator. In the distant future you will decide to skip work frequently to spend more “quality time” with your colon, which you’ve neglected for so many years. That will result in a loss of income, and many personal problems for you.

Aquarius… Jupiter is depressed because Venus refused to go on a date with it. That means trouble for you. In the distant future, you will find yourself madly cutting up apples, in search of your core beliefs.

Pisces… Neptune is about to fight a traffic ticket in court at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, a skeleton key, or a skeleton crew will frighten you. Either way you will end up wetting your pants over it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 

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