As you can plainly see, we are back again with another rendition of your favorite weekly list of practical predictions.
You are eager to see what the planets have in store for you.
You want to find out what the future will bring.
Well, as usual, the future is not bringing you gifts of happiness and joy.
After all this is a HORROR-Scope.
This week’s bevy of badness includes a grass skirt, authorships, and something called, Magic Muffin Dust.
Enjoy, my little pretties.
Aries… Mercury is planning a vacation but has just found out that a solar storm will ruin it. That isn’t good for you. An injury, or courtroom perjury, is in your distant future. Either way it will be painful for you.
Taurus… Neptune is in its fourth house arguing with some tenants. That’s never a good sign. In the not too future, you will have your ups and downs when you get trapped in an elevator for thirteen hours, thirteen minutes, and thirteen seconds. You will be accompanied by thirteen hungry rats
Gemini… Mars is reclining now but feels nauseous. That spells trouble. Someday, you will float away into the sky after your cardiologist inserts helium filled balloons into your heart’s arteries during a balloon angioplasty.
Cancer… Saturn is in transit now through an unscheduled asteroid storm. It hates asteroid storms. That’s bad for you. In the distant future, you will run into a lawn mower while wearing a grass skirt, but you won’t get really hurt until you plow into the dirt. Ouch!
Leo… The Earth is in its third house changing all the light bulbs to more energy efficient types. It’s a lot of work and the Earth is not happy. That spells trouble for you. Not too long from now, you will experience blight in the middle of the night without a light, causing great fright. Let us know how that works out for you.
Leo… Jupiter is rising from a deep sleep and is disoriented. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will attempt to learn Spanish in order to impress some Spanish moss. It will never work out because you will never be able to get the verbs right.
Libra… Uranus is square with Libra now and that’s never good. In the not too future, you will spend years writing a bestseller called “The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pondering”. You will only sell a few (for a dollar) to wandering hobos, street corner beggars, and Dennis Miller.
Scorpio… Venus is rising now and is getting light headed. That’s never a good sign. In the future, shortly after you get a degree in Criminology, you will begin a crime spree of your own. Of course you will get caught when you brag about how clever you think you were in covering up your foul deeds.
Sagittarius… The Sun is in opposition to Sagittarius at this time. That spells trouble for you. You will soon make an important connection and it will shock you. Sorry about that.
Capricorn… Pluto is trine with Capricorn and is anxious about it. That foretells problems. Sometime in the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Lick A Lippizon”. Only a few horse trainers, and Dennis Miller, will buy it.
Aquarius… Mars is in opposition to Aquarius at this time. Opposition is never good for you. Sometime in the distant future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Gauge Gullets For Fun And Profit”. You won’t sell a single copy.
Pisces… The Moon is on the cusp of Pisces now, but wants to be in its fifth house for a party. That combination is never good. One day you will awaken, convinced that a substance called Magic Muffin Dust will cure the world of all ills and evil. You will spend the rest of your life searching for it.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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