Finding The Humor In Life|A Place for Laughs|Poetry|Humorous Stories…

Archive for April, 2015

The Fortune Cookie For: April 30th, 2015


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“At first thought, everything seemed impossible, until it was accomplished.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: April 26th, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Howdy friends, neighbors, and space aliens.

It’s time again for our weekly foray into your future.

We fine-tuned our super computer and it suddenly began to work like a three dollar watch.

This week’s predictions include cattle, bagpipes, and mice.

At least one of those is in someone’s future.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Moon is in its third house now due to a gas leak. It isn’t happy about it. That isn’t good for you. One day in the future, The Salad Patrol will arrest you for de-tossing a salad. You will be forced to spend the night in jail with some kale.

Taurus… Saturn is rising after a bad dream. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will go on a cattle drive and get stuck between two bulls and a heifer in convertibles.

Gemini… Neptune is descending and getting dizzy. That’s never good. In the distant future, you will attempt to visit a butterfly encounter, but you will find yourself in a hemorrhoid encounter. Let us know how that works out.

Cancer…Saturn is in its fourth house with the Space Police after a break-in. That isn’t favorable for you. Not long from now, you will have the uncontrollable urge to cluck like a chicken each time you swallow. Eventually, you will lose all your friends over that.

Leo… Venus is in its forth house cleaning up after a solar dust storm. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will open a bird beak shining business only to find out you are allergic to feathers.

Virgo… Mars is in Solar Court now because NASA accused it of tampering with the rover. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will develop the ability to read minds, but only in braille while in the dark. You will soon tire of it and become a hermit.

Libra… Mercury is in its seventh house having some furniture replaced. It’s angry because they delivered the wrong items. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will be assaulted by a thug, or get bitten by a bug. It could go either way. In any event it will be painful, like listening to Dennis Miller on the radio.

Scorpio…Pluto is in the dog pound now because it was caught roaming around space without a license. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will accidentally catch a mouse in a drain trap. It will die and smell up your home.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now and it’s not happy about it. That’s always bad for you. In the future, you will meet a Scottish plumber who is also a bagpiper. Your friendship will cease after he tries to Scotch-Gard you.

Capricorn… The Sun is in Capricorn now, but needs to get home because it left the water running in the sink. That spells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will open a store to sell note pads to musicians. It will never work out because all the note pads will be flat.

Aquarius… Venus is trine with Aquarius now. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will get sick after being ill advised by a relative or friend.

Pisces… The Moon is square with Pisces now. That always brings on problems. In the future, you will try to get rich when you start selling advertising space to very small businesses on your fingernails and toenails. But, for some reason you will unconsciously wear athletic shoes and gloves everywhere, thereby losing business.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: April 19th, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi again, folks.

We’re serving up another new menu of your favorite astrological treats.

Our computer has been hard at work analyzing the charts just for you lucky followers of this blog, and of course, the visitors who are fortunate enough to find it.

This weeks specials include tarantulas, pigs, and a host of other delightful characters.

Enjoy…

Aries… Neptune is trine with Aries now. It’s also in its second house having the toilets replaced by an incompetent space plumber. That spells trouble for you. In the future, a good friend will convince you to open a dance studio in order to train tarantulas to tap dance. You will be caught up in a web of deceit and you’ll lose everything.

Taurus… Pluto is descending into a hole it’s digging. It’s upset because it can’t find a bone it buried. That’s never good for a Taurus. In the future, you will trip over a frog or a dog, while walking in the fog. You will hop around from the pain. Your injuries will be aggravating.

Gemini…Saturn is in its second house playing poker with some friends. It drew on an inside straight and lost most of its money. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will either get a shock from a hair drier, or fall into a deep fat fryer. Either way, it won’t be fun. But, you could get a nice tan from it. Enjoy.

Cancer… Venus is in its second house arguing with an insurance adjuster over a claim for water damage. It’s not going well. That’s never good. In the future, you will cruise with Tom Cruise only to find out that he’s not Tom Cruise, but a celebrity impersonator who will bilk you out of all your money while boring you with talk of Scientology and John Travolta.

Leo… Jupiter is has begun to rise, and it’s bumped it’s head on the bedpost. That isn’t’ good for you. Not too long from now, when someone says anything at all to you, you will answer with the words, “That’s rather jejune isn’t it?” You will later find yourself alone, naked, and afraid. Sorry about that.

Virgo… Saturn is trying to get on the cusp of Virgo but isn’t getting very far. That spells trouble for you. In the near future, you will be short changed by a quarterback at a halfway house. He will tackle you when you complain about it. You will suffer minor injuries.

Libra… The Earth is trine with Libra now, but wants to be in opposition. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend all of your money crocheting chinstraps for wayward wombats. They won’t sell at all. Sorry about that.

Scorpio… Saturn is square with Scorpio, and in its fifth house, trying to catch a mouse. It hasn’t been successful so far. That’s spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will touch a wet, wired haired terrier and get the shock of you life. Ouch. You will survive, only to be plagued by pesky fleas.

Sagittarius… Mars is in it fifth house having the roof inspected. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will train pigs to deliver the mail. You will call your new business, Pig-mail-ion. The business will fail when it is discovered that the pigs don’t actually deliver the mail. They eat it.

Capricorn… The Sun is in Capricorn now and it’s heating it up. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will spend all our time and money writing a book called, “How To Be Grumpy For Fun and Profit”. You will only sell a copy to Dennis Miller, and a few to US Congressmen.

Aquarius… Mercury is on the cusp of Aquarius at this time but wants to be trine. That’s never good. You will be fascinated with the success of “My Little Pony”. You will try to cash in on the craze with a game called, “My Little Hemorrhoid”. You will only sell a few copies of the game to some gastroenterologists and surgeons.

Pisces… The Moon is in Pisces now and desperately wants to get out, but it has to wait. It’s becoming frustrated. That’s never good. Someday, you will wrestle with your conscience in a two out of three match on the World Wrestling Federation TV show. You will lose.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

The Fortune Cookie For: April 14th, 2015


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“You will never find a pearl of wisdom in an oyster.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: April 12th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day fellow stargazers.

Welcome back to another untimely edition of Your HORROR – Scope.

This week’s rendition includes, Her Majesty,  The Queen of England, and Sir Paul McCartney, so perhaps you’d better stand and bow for this week’s readings.

Don’t stress out.

It’s not all formal.

The carefully crafted readings also include ants, a bisexual, and gnomes.

 Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is rising now and isn’t happy about it. That means trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “How To Dream Like An Ant For Fun and profit.” You will only sell a few copies to entomologists, and one to Dennis Miller.” Depression will take over your life.

Taurus… Mars is in its third house waiting for a Realtor who will never show up. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “What To Name Your Gnome”. You will only sell a few copies to gnome collectors and psychiatric patients. You will become morose over it.

Gemini… Neptune is on the cusp of Gemini now and wants no part of it. That foretells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will act as someone’s beard, and later experience a close shave while confined in a Spanish Prison.

Cancer…Mercury is in its ninth house taking out the trash. It hates taking out the trash. That’s bad for you. In the not too distant future, your enemies will squeeze you into a juice box.

Leo… Saturn is in its ninth house having the lawn replaced. It isn’t going well after crabgrass was discovered. That’s definitely bad for you. In the future, you will convince yourself that you are the sixth Beatle. Sir James Paul McCartney will sue you.

Virgo… Venus is in its ninth house having the furniture replaced after a flood. They delivered the wrong divan and she’s furious. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will buy a golden retriever only to find out later that it isn’t pure gold, just gold tone.

Libra… Pluto is suffering from frostbite now. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will become depressed when you can’t decide whether to wear a hard hat or a helmet to a formal function hosted by the Queen of England.

Scorpio… The Sun is on the cusp of Scorpio at this time. It wants to be trine with it. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will convince yourself that you should call a Realtor and immediately buy by a bayou.

Sagittarius…Jupiter is square with Sagittarius now. It hates being square. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will spend all your time standing near a bi-plane, a bison and a bisexual who only speaks in binary numbers.

Capricorn… Mars is trine with Capricorn now and is upset over that for some unknown reason. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will slip on a slip of paper near a boat slip in Islip and cut your lower lip.

Aquarius…Pluto is square with Aquarius but wants to be on the cusp so it could aggravate it. That’s never good for you. In the future, you will donate blood to a blood bank, but it will be someone else’s blood. You will be arrested for bank fraud and theft of blood without a license.

Pisces… The Earth is in its ninth house having some bathroom tile replaced. It isn’t going well since the handyman used the wrong grout. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will be arrested after you train a woodpecker to use Morse Code, to tap out out obscenities to Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

The Fortune Cookie For: April 8th, 2015


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Don’t just redecorate your old rut. Get out if it.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: April 5th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi, friends of the solar system.

Here is your exclusive report for this week.

Our predictions range from scabbards to salmonella to sphincters.

One of them may apply to you.

Read on and find out.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Sun is trine with Aries now and nearing the cusp. That isn’t a good sign. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “Shrug Your Way To Success”. You will only sell a few copes to some politicians, and Dennis Miller.

Taurus… Uranus is behind in its orbit and trying to catch up. That’s never good. Someday you will spend all your time and money when you open a uniform shop specializing in Franco-Prussian war clothing and equipment. It will fail and you’ll be stuck with boxes of shoulder boards, scabbards and Franco-Prussian phrase books.

Gemini… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars now. That foretells problems for you. One morning in the future, you’ll be grossed out when you find 144 rotten eggs in your bed. Yuck!

Cancer… Venus is askew of Cancer now. Askew isn’t good for you. In the future, for some unknown reason, you will be compelled to dig a tunnel using just a funnel. Good luck with that.

Leo… Pluto is in jail for fraud. It tried to pass off its own drawings of Mickey Mouse as original Walt Disney work. That isn’t good. In the future, you will be the talk of the animal world when you become a personal assistant to an aardvark.

Virgo… Saturn is rising too quickly and is getting light headed. That’s never a good sign. One day soon you will have the uncontrollable urge to doodle poodles while naked in Times Square, New York. You will do it. You will be arrested for drawing poodles without a license.

Libra… Neptune is in its third house cleaning up Pluto’s dog droppings. It’s not happy about that. That portends problems for you. In the distant future, you will languish with lonely langoustines in Langley.

Scorpio… Venus is on the cusp of Scorpio but is yearning to be square with it. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will spend all your time teaching pigeons how to smile. You will never succeed, and be shunned by everyone due to the smell of bird droppings embedded in your skin.

Sagittarius… The Moon is in its third house now cleaning up after a water leak. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will open a restaurant called, A Taste of Salmonella. Of course, it will certainly fail due to the name you insisted upon. Sorry about that.

Capricorn… Mars is descending now and about to be confronted by Mercury. That isn’t good. In the future, your enemies will be successful in their attempt to upload you to the cloud. Let us know how that works out.

Aquarius… Mercury is in its fourth house having costly plumbing repairs done. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will spend many years researching and writing a book called, “How To Make Your Sphincter Smile”. It will become your life’s work but you’ll never finish it.

Pisces… The Earth is in its fifth house cleaning up after a meteor storm. That’s always a bad sign. In the not too distant future, you will bond with a vagabond and spend the rest of your life traveling the rails in open boxcars. You will eat only wild plants and insects, and drink muddy water.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

The Fortune Cookie For: April 2nd, 2015


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Sometimes, you just have to rely on your heart for a decision.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Tag Cloud

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: