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horoscope chart







Hi, friends of the solar system.

Here is your exclusive report for this week.

Our predictions range from scabbards to salmonella to sphincters.

One of them may apply to you.

Read on and find out.


Aries… The Sun is trine with Aries now and nearing the cusp. That isn’t a good sign. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “Shrug Your Way To Success”. You will only sell a few copes to some politicians, and Dennis Miller.

Taurus… Uranus is behind in its orbit and trying to catch up. That’s never good. Someday you will spend all your time and money when you open a uniform shop specializing in Franco-Prussian war clothing and equipment. It will fail and you’ll be stuck with boxes of shoulder boards, scabbards and Franco-Prussian phrase books.

Gemini… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars now. That foretells problems for you. One morning in the future, you’ll be grossed out when you find 144 rotten eggs in your bed. Yuck!

Cancer… Venus is askew of Cancer now. Askew isn’t good for you. In the future, for some unknown reason, you will be compelled to dig a tunnel using just a funnel. Good luck with that.

Leo… Pluto is in jail for fraud. It tried to pass off its own drawings of Mickey Mouse as original Walt Disney work. That isn’t good. In the future, you will be the talk of the animal world when you become a personal assistant to an aardvark.

Virgo… Saturn is rising too quickly and is getting light headed. That’s never a good sign. One day soon you will have the uncontrollable urge to doodle poodles while naked in Times Square, New York. You will do it. You will be arrested for drawing poodles without a license.

Libra… Neptune is in its third house cleaning up Pluto’s dog droppings. It’s not happy about that. That portends problems for you. In the distant future, you will languish with lonely langoustines in Langley.

Scorpio… Venus is on the cusp of Scorpio but is yearning to be square with it. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will spend all your time teaching pigeons how to smile. You will never succeed, and be shunned by everyone due to the smell of bird droppings embedded in your skin.

Sagittarius… The Moon is in its third house now cleaning up after a water leak. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will open a restaurant called, A Taste of Salmonella. Of course, it will certainly fail due to the name you insisted upon. Sorry about that.

Capricorn… Mars is descending now and about to be confronted by Mercury. That isn’t good. In the future, your enemies will be successful in their attempt to upload you to the cloud. Let us know how that works out.

Aquarius… Mercury is in its fourth house having costly plumbing repairs done. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will spend many years researching and writing a book called, “How To Make Your Sphincter Smile”. It will become your life’s work but you’ll never finish it.

Pisces… The Earth is in its fifth house cleaning up after a meteor storm. That’s always a bad sign. In the not too distant future, you will bond with a vagabond and spend the rest of your life traveling the rails in open boxcars. You will eat only wild plants and insects, and drink muddy water.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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