Hi again, folks.
We’re serving up another new menu of your favorite astrological treats.
Our computer has been hard at work analyzing the charts just for you lucky followers of this blog, and of course, the visitors who are fortunate enough to find it.
This weeks specials include tarantulas, pigs, and a host of other delightful characters.
Aries… Neptune is trine with Aries now. It’s also in its second house having the toilets replaced by an incompetent space plumber. That spells trouble for you. In the future, a good friend will convince you to open a dance studio in order to train tarantulas to tap dance. You will be caught up in a web of deceit and you’ll lose everything.
Taurus… Pluto is descending into a hole it’s digging. It’s upset because it can’t find a bone it buried. That’s never good for a Taurus. In the future, you will trip over a frog or a dog, while walking in the fog. You will hop around from the pain. Your injuries will be aggravating.
Gemini…Saturn is in its second house playing poker with some friends. It drew on an inside straight and lost most of its money. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will either get a shock from a hair drier, or fall into a deep fat fryer. Either way, it won’t be fun. But, you could get a nice tan from it. Enjoy.
Cancer… Venus is in its second house arguing with an insurance adjuster over a claim for water damage. It’s not going well. That’s never good. In the future, you will cruise with Tom Cruise only to find out that he’s not Tom Cruise, but a celebrity impersonator who will bilk you out of all your money while boring you with talk of Scientology and John Travolta.
Leo… Jupiter is has begun to rise, and it’s bumped it’s head on the bedpost. That isn’t’ good for you. Not too long from now, when someone says anything at all to you, you will answer with the words, “That’s rather jejune isn’t it?” You will later find yourself alone, naked, and afraid. Sorry about that.
Virgo… Saturn is trying to get on the cusp of Virgo but isn’t getting very far. That spells trouble for you. In the near future, you will be short changed by a quarterback at a halfway house. He will tackle you when you complain about it. You will suffer minor injuries.
Libra… The Earth is trine with Libra now, but wants to be in opposition. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend all of your money crocheting chinstraps for wayward wombats. They won’t sell at all. Sorry about that.
Scorpio… Saturn is square with Scorpio, and in its fifth house, trying to catch a mouse. It hasn’t been successful so far. That’s spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will touch a wet, wired haired terrier and get the shock of you life. Ouch. You will survive, only to be plagued by pesky fleas.
Sagittarius… Mars is in it fifth house having the roof inspected. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will train pigs to deliver the mail. You will call your new business, Pig-mail-ion. The business will fail when it is discovered that the pigs don’t actually deliver the mail. They eat it.
Capricorn… The Sun is in Capricorn now and it’s heating it up. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will spend all our time and money writing a book called, “How To Be Grumpy For Fun and Profit”. You will only sell a copy to Dennis Miller, and a few to US Congressmen.
Aquarius… Mercury is on the cusp of Aquarius at this time but wants to be trine. That’s never good. You will be fascinated with the success of “My Little Pony”. You will try to cash in on the craze with a game called, “My Little Hemorrhoid”. You will only sell a few copies of the game to some gastroenterologists and surgeons.
Pisces… The Moon is in Pisces now and desperately wants to get out, but it has to wait. It’s becoming frustrated. That’s never good. Someday, you will wrestle with your conscience in a two out of three match on the World Wrestling Federation TV show. You will lose.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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