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Archive for May, 2015

The Fortune Cookie For: May 28th, 2015


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Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Hold your light high, and the world will follow you.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 24th, 2015


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Hi there, fellow stargazers and field grazers.

Once again we offer you another list of prognostications guaranteed to tickle your fancy or other naughty bits.

This week’s list includes gargling, correction fluid, and a cello.

As usual, things are pretty weird.

Enjoy

Aries… The Moon is in its seventh house having some electrical work done. The wiring isn’t going well. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will start a “Clothing for Animals Foundation”. Unfortunately, a squirrel will sue you when the wool, turtle neck sweater you gave him nearly chokes him to death when it got wet. You will lose everything.

Taurus… Mars is on the cusp of Taurus and it feels bumpy. Mars isn’t happy. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will establish a lycanthrope foundation for wayward werewolves. Unfortunately you will bitten by one of your clients.

Gemini… Mercury is rising after a nap and a bad dream. That’s never a good sign. In the future, your enemies will try to erase your face, but they will only get your nose done when they run out of steel wool.

Cancer… Saturn is nearing the trine of Cancer and is having trouble with that angle. That’s never good. In the future, your enemies will try to amend all your your wrongs by dipping you in a vat of correction fluid. It won’t work. Sorry.

Leo… Jupiter is in its third house interviewing prospective renters. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, your follicles will become fickle after you eat pickled peppers in a pet parlor.

Virgo… The Earth is adjacent to Virgo now, but in retrograde aspect. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will be compelled to sing acapella with a fella (Dennis Miller) at Capella University.

Libra… Venus is descending into a funk now. It’s not happy. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will become rich after developing a line of costume jewelry made of animal organs. But, you will be sued by an animal rights organization and lose everything.

Scorpio… Neptune is on the cusp of Scorpio but wants to be trine with it. That’s never good. In the future, you will spend years researching and writing a book called “How To Gargle For Fun And Profit”. You won’t make any money and, you’ll suffer from mildew poisoning from being wet all the time.

Sagittarius… Uranus is trine with Sagittarius but wants to be square again. That’s never good. In the future, you will buy a cello in order to study String Theory. Physicists will mock you.

Capricorn… Pluto is rising from a nap due to fleabites. It’s not happy. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will spend all your money on a scalp-racing scheme only to lose it all in The Scalp Racing Derby held at Dandruff Downs.

Aquarius… Mars is in its third house waiting for a telephone repairman who is days late. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will open a pun shop but it won’t be much fun when you run out of material.

Pisces… The Moon is in Pisces now and it’s waning in a bad vector. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will have an affair with a jackalope. Soon after, it will run off with all your money, and your pet aardvark, Aaron.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

The Fortune Cookie For: May 19th, 2015


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Try not to get lost in the milieu of life.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 17th, 2015


 

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Good day dear friends of solar activity.

Here we are once again on the cusp of this weeks predictions.

They include Wonder Bras, tsetse flies, and cheeks.

Enjoy…

Aries… Neptune is on the cusp of Aries now but wants to be in opposition. That foretells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will encounter a band of roving Wonder Bras, or someone dressed as Wonder Woman carrying a whip. It won’t be a pleasant experience. Sorry.

Taurus… Uranus is descending at this time and is getting light headed. That’s never good for you. In the distant future, you will spend years writing a book called, “Mommy Edamame”. You will sell a few copies to some Japanese people, and one to Dennis Miller, but you will gain much weight eating the beans.

Gemini… Saturn is in its fourth house cleaning up after a water leak. That’s not good. In the distant future, you will create a foundation called, “Tsetse Flies for Peace”. Unfortunately, you will be bitten and sleep away the rest of your life.

Cancer… Jupiter is trine with Cancer now. It doesn’t like that position. That means trouble for you. In the future, furniture salesman will become confused when you tell them your doctor wants a stool sample.

Leo… The Sun is square with Leo now. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will have a horrible week when a song from the Cinderella movie constantly plays in your head. You know the one, “BibbidiBobbidiBoo“.

Virgo… The Moon is on the cusp of Virgo at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will find a scepter in one of your sphincters. Ouch.

Libra… Venus is in its second house dusting. It hates dusting. That isn’t good for Libras. In the future, you will have the tendency to do everything with a flourish. Your friends will think you are wacky, and abandon you.

Scorpio… Pluto is in trouble for pooping in space. That will bring you trouble. In the future, you will walk a mile near the Nile just wearing a smile. Even your asp will be naked. You will be arrested by the police for disturbing the camels.

Sagittarius… Mars is rising at the moment and is getting light headed. That’s never good. In the distant future, your enemies will roast your snorkel. It won’t be pretty.

Capricorn… Mercury is on the cusp of Capricorn now. It feels uneasy about it. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, ”How To Prod For Fun and Profit”. You will have a lot of fun, but not any profit.

Aquarius… Saturn is nearing the cusp of Aquarius now and is trine. That’s never good for you. Someday, your enemies will try to remove your cheeks.

Pisces… The Earth is rising now, but isn’t ready for that. It spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend much time learning how to say, “Have you seen my parrot?” in 123 languages. You will later realize that you have a canary.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 10th, 2015


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Welcome back dear friends of the universe.

I hope you had a successful week.

Or, was it a little weak?

In any case your new fortunes await you.

This week’s list of predictions includes rotten eggs, burping, and Podiatrists. Wow!

I hope you can cope with the scope of things.

Enjoy.

Aries… The Moon is in Aries now but doesn’t like the smell. That’s always a bad sign. In the future, you will meet someone from a bawdy, boat crew or eat moldy croutons. It could go wither way but it won’t be much fun, and it will be noisy.

Taurus… The Sun is tranquil at this time. It hates being tranquil. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, you will be arrested by the EPA for dumping dry ice in wetlands.

Gemini… Mars is approaching the cusp of Gemini now. It isn’t happy about it. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will roost on a roof with a rooster and a Rastafarian. It won’t be pleasant.

Cancer… Venus is in juxtaposition with Cancer now. It hates that position. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will make chickens angry by changing their pecking order. They will attack you with vengeance, and rotten eggs. Sorry about that.

Leo… The Earth is moving off the cusp of Leo now and it doesn’t like it. That spells problems for you. In the future, you will spend years writing and publishing a book called, “How To Lean For Fun And Profit”. You’ll only sell a few copies to some politicians. Those will be lean years for you.

Virgo… Jupiter is aligned with Venus now and that’s always a bad sign. In the future, you will try to “get the word out” but you won’t be successful since the word will be, agoraphobic. Think about it.

Libra… Uranus is in its fifth house washing windows. It hates washing windows. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will spend years writing and publishing a book called, “Mommy Edamame”. You will only sell a few copies to some Japanese folks who will sauté it and feed it to their livestock.

Scorpio… Pluto is in jail now after being arrested for peeing on Saturn’s rings. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will spend years trying to train walnuts to fly. Of course, it will never work. People will call you ”Nuts!” You will then become shell shocked.

Sagittarius… Saturn is nearing the cusp of Sagittarius now, but it wants to be trine instead. That’s never good for you. In the future, you will spend years trying to train clams to do the, “Can Can”. You will ultimately discover that they can’t, can’t. Then you’ll suffer from depression.

Capricorn… Uranus is suffering from some sinus problems at the moment. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Hone a Hovercraft”. Even Amazon will refuse to publish it. You will spend the rest of our life trying to convince the world, and Dennis Miller that honing is good.

Aquarius… Mercury is in a funk at this time. We don’t know why, but it isn’t good for you. In the future, you will anger many Podiatrists by trying to play footsie with them. They will band together, and they will call you a “heel”. Sorry.

Pisces… The Earth is trine with Pisces now, but it prefers being square with it. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will spend years writing, publishing, and marketing a book called, “The Diner’s Guide To Burping”. Dennis Miller will be the only one to buy a copy.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 3rd, 2015


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Welcome back dear friends of the unknown.

I’m sure you  are all anxiously awaiting your fortunes.

Well, fear not.

They are ready for you. 

This week’s list of predictions includes durians, brains, and curls.

I hope you can cope.

Enjoy.

Aries… Mars is nearing adjunct with Aries now. That is a bad sign for you. In the future, your enemies will try make you famous by photographing your pineal gland for the front cover of Brain Surgery Monthly. Unfortunately, the magazine will reject the photo.

Taurus… Venus is rising after a terrible night’s sleep. It’s in a bad mood. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will share a Time Share with someone named Cher while she’s having an affair. It won’t be pretty. It will be like listening to Dennis Miller.

Gemini… Mercury is in its second house with a termite inspector. Things don’t look promising. That’s never good for you. In the future, you will have the urge to develop a perfume based on the aroma of durian. You will never finish the project after the Odor Patrol discovers your laboratory.

Cancer…The moon is in its eight house wrapping gifts for an upcoming birthday. It’s having trouble with the paper. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will adopt an ape while wearing a cape in Cape Town. It will trash your home. Eventually you will release it back into the wild.

Leo… The Sun is planning another round of solar flares. That’s always bad for a Leo. In the future, you will finally make peace with a peace pipe. Soon after, it will reject you never calling or texting you again.

Virgo… Mercury is in its third house having a sprinkler system installed. It’s having trouble with a valve. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will befriend a tipsy gypsy near the Black Sea. She will swindle you out of all your money.

Libra… Venus is square with Libra now, but wants to be on the cusp. That’s never good. In the future, you will labor over a light saber with a neighbor, but you’ll never get it completed after your power is shut off

Scorpio… Pluto is having trouble with the local zoning commission over a building permit for a new house. That foretells problems for you. Somewhere, sometime, your hair will curl like a little girl’s as a flag unfurls. You will be ridiculed.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is upset because a renter in its seventh house is late with its rent payment. That spells trouble for you. In the future, your enemies will tie-dye you and sell you to some Hippies at a flea market.

Capricorn…Saturn is descending now and is depressed over it. That’s always a bad sign for Capricorns. In the future, you will meet someone in a meat market. They will try to filet you. You will escape with minor injuries.

Aquarius… Uranus is in its seventh house getting ready for a garage sale. It’s depressed because it is selling a lot of sentimental items. That will bring you trouble. Your enemies will make you look older by putting wrinkle cream all over your face. It won’t turn out well for you.

Pisces… Neptune is nearing the cusp of Pisces now. It would rather be square. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will become befuddled after falling in a puddle with a poodle.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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