Good day dear friends of solar activity.
Here we are once again on the cusp of this weeks predictions.
They include Wonder Bras, tsetse flies, and cheeks.
Aries… Neptune is on the cusp of Aries now but wants to be in opposition. That foretells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will encounter a band of roving Wonder Bras, or someone dressed as Wonder Woman carrying a whip. It won’t be a pleasant experience. Sorry.
Taurus… Uranus is descending at this time and is getting light headed. That’s never good for you. In the distant future, you will spend years writing a book called, “Mommy Edamame”. You will sell a few copies to some Japanese people, and one to Dennis Miller, but you will gain much weight eating the beans.
Gemini… Saturn is in its fourth house cleaning up after a water leak. That’s not good. In the distant future, you will create a foundation called, “Tsetse Flies for Peace”. Unfortunately, you will be bitten and sleep away the rest of your life.
Cancer… Jupiter is trine with Cancer now. It doesn’t like that position. That means trouble for you. In the future, furniture salesman will become confused when you tell them your doctor wants a stool sample.
Leo… The Sun is square with Leo now. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will have a horrible week when a song from the Cinderella movie constantly plays in your head. You know the one, “Bibbidi–Bobbidi–Boo“.
Virgo… The Moon is on the cusp of Virgo at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will find a scepter in one of your sphincters. Ouch.
Libra… Venus is in its second house dusting. It hates dusting. That isn’t good for Libras. In the future, you will have the tendency to do everything with a flourish. Your friends will think you are wacky, and abandon you.
Scorpio… Pluto is in trouble for pooping in space. That will bring you trouble. In the future, you will walk a mile near the Nile just wearing a smile. Even your asp will be naked. You will be arrested by the police for disturbing the camels.
Sagittarius… Mars is rising at the moment and is getting light headed. That’s never good. In the distant future, your enemies will roast your snorkel. It won’t be pretty.
Capricorn… Mercury is on the cusp of Capricorn now. It feels uneasy about it. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, ”How To Prod For Fun and Profit”. You will have a lot of fun, but not any profit.
Aquarius… Saturn is nearing the cusp of Aquarius now and is trine. That’s never good for you. Someday, your enemies will try to remove your cheeks.
Pisces… The Earth is rising now, but isn’t ready for that. It spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend much time learning how to say, “Have you seen my parrot?” in 123 languages. You will later realize that you have a canary.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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