Hi there, fellow stargazers and field grazers.
Once again we offer you another list of prognostications guaranteed to tickle your fancy or other naughty bits.
This week’s list includes gargling, correction fluid, and a cello.
As usual, things are pretty weird.
Aries… The Moon is in its seventh house having some electrical work done. The wiring isn’t going well. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will start a “Clothing for Animals Foundation”. Unfortunately, a squirrel will sue you when the wool, turtle neck sweater you gave him nearly chokes him to death when it got wet. You will lose everything.
Taurus… Mars is on the cusp of Taurus and it feels bumpy. Mars isn’t happy. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will establish a lycanthrope foundation for wayward werewolves. Unfortunately you will bitten by one of your clients.
Gemini… Mercury is rising after a nap and a bad dream. That’s never a good sign. In the future, your enemies will try to erase your face, but they will only get your nose done when they run out of steel wool.
Cancer… Saturn is nearing the trine of Cancer and is having trouble with that angle. That’s never good. In the future, your enemies will try to amend all your your wrongs by dipping you in a vat of correction fluid. It won’t work. Sorry.
Leo… Jupiter is in its third house interviewing prospective renters. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, your follicles will become fickle after you eat pickled peppers in a pet parlor.
Virgo… The Earth is adjacent to Virgo now, but in retrograde aspect. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will be compelled to sing acapella with a fella (Dennis Miller) at Capella University.
Libra… Venus is descending into a funk now. It’s not happy. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will become rich after developing a line of costume jewelry made of animal organs. But, you will be sued by an animal rights organization and lose everything.
Scorpio… Neptune is on the cusp of Scorpio but wants to be trine with it. That’s never good. In the future, you will spend years researching and writing a book called “How To Gargle For Fun And Profit”. You won’t make any money and, you’ll suffer from mildew poisoning from being wet all the time.
Sagittarius… Uranus is trine with Sagittarius but wants to be square again. That’s never good. In the future, you will buy a cello in order to study String Theory. Physicists will mock you.
Capricorn… Pluto is rising from a nap due to fleabites. It’s not happy. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will spend all your money on a scalp-racing scheme only to lose it all in The Scalp Racing Derby held at Dandruff Downs.
Aquarius… Mars is in its third house waiting for a telephone repairman who is days late. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will open a pun shop but it won’t be much fun when you run out of material.
Pisces… The Moon is in Pisces now and it’s waning in a bad vector. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will have an affair with a jackalope. Soon after, it will run off with all your money, and your pet aardvark, Aaron.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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