Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 28th, 2015

Good day friends of the future.

I’m happy to announce that this is my 500th post on Humorous Interludes thanks to you all out there!!!

Another week has flown by leaving feathers of frustration in its wake.

Hopefully you endured the wrath of the stars thus far.

This week’s collection will only bring more trouble for you.

If you are up to it, read on.

Aries… Mercury is descending and in opposition to Aries. That always brings trouble. Your enemies are planning to dangle you, or mangle you. Either way, it won’t be a pleasant experience. Sorry.

Taurus… Mars is in its third house now having new flooring installed. The installer found termites. Mars is upset. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will become nauseous and/or cautious over something dreadful. I hope you can cope.

Gemini… Jupiter is in its fourth house now for a scrabble game with its moons. Jupiter is stuck with only vowels. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will meet a hobo named Lobo. You will befriend him. Later you will lend him a large sum of money. He will disappear, and never pay you back. You will become a hobo yourself and ride the rails in search of Lobo who will have become a millionaire (using your money) living in Tahiti.

Cancer… Venus is descending into a profound depression. That always spells trouble. In the future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Gargle For Fun And Profit”. Only a few dentists and a side show performer will buy a copy.

Leo… The Earth is in its ninth house fixing a roof leak. The place is a mess and Leo is upset. That’s always bad. In the future, you will become so weak you won’t even be able to raise your blood pressure. Too bad.

Virgo… Pluto is in its fifth house repairing a sewer problem and it isn’t going well. That will bring you problems. You will try to scam a cereal company by complaining that you found a live platypus in you cereal box. They will have you arrested for fraud. You will serve several months in jail where they will serve the same cereal. Is that Karma or what?

Libra… Neptune is in its fourth house cleaning the toilet. It hates doing that. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will become so guilt ridden you will confess to beating eggs.

Scorpio… Venus is in retrograde at this time and nearing the cusp of Scorpio. That position always spells trouble. In the future, you will discover someone you know, in Kokomo, who plays the banjo. You will become infatuated with the banjo player only to lose all your money in a pyramid scheme run by the musician.

Sagittarius… The Moon is in Sagittarius now but wants out. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “101 Uses For Pneumatic Jaws”. Only a few kinky firefighters, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy.

Capricorn… The Sun is upset because cloud cover obstructs its vision of the Earth. That’s terrible for you. In the future, you will deliberately shock yourself on a Telsa coil to energize your body. It won’t be pleasant. Sorry.

Aquarius… Uranus is in the market for another house. It’s upset over rising prices. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will urge someone you love to name their child after, The Hoover Dam, but they won’t be comfortable with Dam. They will scorn you for the suggestion. Later, they will compromise and name their child, The Hoover Darn.

Pisces… Mars is in its fifth house with an insurance salesman. It isn’t too happy about the increase in home insurance rates. That’s always bad for a Pisces. In the future, you will have an ultrasound, which will fall on deaf ears.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 7th, 2015

Hello my friends.

We here at HORROR-SCOPE Central have been hard at work on this weeks predictions.

They’re as wacky as usual.

This weeks list of chart readings include beards, a spleen, and constipation.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Sun is in Aries now and doesn’t like it. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will arrange a “Meet and Greet” in a meat market. Vegans will boycott it.

Taurus… Mercury is on the cusp of Taurus now, but it doesn’t want to be there. That spells trouble for you. Someday you will write a book called, “How To Pinch In A Pinch”. Unfortunately it won’t sell very well. Only a few Italian men, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy.

Gemini… The Earth is adjacent to Gemini now but wants to be square instead. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will finally become so coordinated that you will pat you head and rub your stomach at the same time…with hot branding irons. Ouch.

Cancer… The Moon is in opposition to Cancer at this time, Opposition is always a bad sign. In the future, you will start a beard collection. Then you will comb all barbershops in search of them. Shortly after, you will abandon your quest.

Leo… Mercury is in its second house having windows replaced after a meteor storm. It’s not happy about that. That’s not good for you. In the distant future, you will write a book called, ”How To Overcome Your Fear Of Swallowing”. Only a few circus people will buy them.

Virgo… Uranus is trine with Virgo now, but it wants to be adjacent. That’s never good for you. In the future, you will write a book called, ”How To Wallow For Fun And Profit”. It will only be popular with pigs and water buffalo.

Libra… Saturn is descending into a funk now. That’s terrible for you. In the not too distant future, you will suddenly convince yourself that the secret to world domination is constipation.

Scorpio… Mars is approaching the cusp of Scorpio now. It isn’t happy about that for some unknown reason. That portends problems for you. In the future, you’ll be afraid to move about your dwelling when you suddenly develop a fear of drawers.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in its eighth house now playing poker with its moons. It’s loosing badly. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, you will write a book called, “How To Polka With Your Hookah While Naked”. It will be banned in all countries of the world.

Capricorn…Jupiter is on the cusp of Capricorn now and approaching square. That’s never a good sign. One day, you will leave your heart in San Francisco…and your spleen too. Sorry.

Aquarius… Neptune is rising to meet Aquarius, but Aquarius isn’t ready for that. Problems will arise because of it. In the future, you will act on your desire to turn all crop circles into squares. You will be arrested for trespassing.

Pisces… Venus is in its fifth house cleaning fish. It hates to clean fish. That’s bad for you. Not long from now, you will open a Mutton Chop Locator Service. Shortly afterwards, you will declare bankruptcy. Sorry.