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astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello friends of the weird and unexpected.

Here we are in the middle of June.

Got your Christmas shopping done?

This week’s pile of predictions runs the gamut.

It would be better if it ran the Boston Marathon, but what can one do?

The charts were rather strange this time.

Then again, aren’t they usually that way?

The prognostications range from chameleons, to toads.

Enjoy your peril if you can.

Aries… Pluto is back in court arguing that it should be renamed a planet. It isn’t going well. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will have a sleepover with just your underwear collection. It will be a sad affair (the underwear will forget to bring the snacks), leading  to a profound depression.

Taurus… Saturn is sad because one of its rings isn’t shiny enough. That’s never a good sign. Someday, you will be convinced that Fractal Economics will solve the world’s problems. The world will think you fractured your mind. Things will look glum for a long while.

Gemini… Mercury is trine with Gemini now, but it want’s to be on the cusp. That portends trouble for you. In the future, you will spend years researching and writing a book called, “How To Nullify For Fun And Profit”. Your book sales will be null. Sorry.

Cancer… The Moon is in Cancer’s seventh house now and Cancer doesn’t like that. That spells problems for you. In the future, you will be reprimanded by a reprobate on probation. It won’t be pleasant. Sorry.

Leo… The Sun is in its fifth house now and is loosing badly in a Monopoly game. That’s never good. In the future, you will spend years researching and writing a book called, “How To Cure Warts By Sleeping With Toads”. Only a few dermatologists will buy a copy, but Dennis Miller will love it. Hmmm.

Virgo… Venus is in its third house cleaning out closets. It hates cleaning closets. That means trouble for you. In the future, you will spend years researching and writing a book called, “Shin Bone Polishing For Fun And Profit”. Unfortunately, only a few archeologists will buy a copy. You will become disjointed over it. Too bad.

Libra… Mars is in its third house trying to write a science fiction novel. It’s not going well. That will bring you trouble. In the future, you will become paranoid after you convince yourself you are being followed by fanatical follicles. You will become a recluse.

Scorpio… Mercury is in its second house having some electrical work done. It is shocked over the cost of the repairs. That will mean trouble for you. In the future, you will become stoned after eating a dozen Rolling Stone magazines. A case of constipation will follow. Sorry about that.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in its eighth house now having it treated for fleas after a visit by Pluto. It isn’t happy about that. In the future, you will do magic tricks for geriatric patients. Unfortunately, they will sleep through it all and soil their diapers. Yuck!

Capricorn… The Earth is in its fifth house now having some dry wall repairs done. The workmen found termites. That’s never good. In the future, you will develop a chameleon skin product to allow people hide anywhere. Unfortunately, customers who use it will suddenly vanish, never to be found. You will be sued and lose everything.

Aquarius… Neptune is aligned with Aquarius now but wants to be in opposition. That’s never good. In the future, you will blog, but only while in the fog. Your computer will short out and you will never publish again. A deep depression will follow.

Pisces… Jupiter is in its fourth house dealing with some ghost ants. That’s always bad for a Pisces. In the future, you will spread baba ganoush all over your body and run naked thru Times Square, New York. You will be arrested by The Mystery Diner Patrol.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Comments on: "Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 14th, 2015" (1)

  1. LOL!! What about a personal prediction? 😛

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