Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh

Good day fellow stargazers and situational appraisers.

Here’s this week’s list of problems for you, courtesy of your solar system and the handy dandy work of two humans.

One is moi, the other is a new comer.

I just added a wonderful and exciting new twist to our weekly endeavor.

It’s none other than the famous (at least in certain parts of France) Madame Mystère, a psychic with credentials that would make the haïr on the back of your neck rise up and salute her.  In fact, she single handily solved the case of the Clever Qumquats.  

So, read on my dear friends and enjoy (if you can).

Aries… Jupiter is aligned with Pluto now and that spells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will be given a tranquilizer or an atomizer. In either case, you won’t like the outcome. Sorry about that.

Taurus… Saturn is descending and in opposition to Taurus now. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will develop pouchy jowls to store food for the winter. You’ll be shunned by friends and co-workers who will think you look odd. They’ll call you “Chippy” (short for chipmunk).

Gemini… The Moon is in Gemini now and it’s going to get hot and uncomfortable. That’s never good. In the distant future, you will get recognition from the Guinness Book for the world’s longest nose hairs. Unfortunately, you will trip over them and sprain your ankle.

Cancer… The Sun is trine and in opposition to Cancer at this time. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will be burned by a sunflower’s solar flare. Ouch!

Leo… Mercury is in its third house cleaning up after a party. It’s a mess. That will bring problems for you. In the future, you will encounter something generic or something barbaric. In either case it won’t be pleasant. Sorry about that.

Virgo…   Neptune is adjacent to Virgo now, but wants to be trine, (which is a better position). That’s never good. In the not too distant future, you will be thought odd when you try to determine the combination to a warlock. Have fun with that.

Libra… Venus is in its fourth house now polishing the silverware. It hates polishing silverware. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will roll your own cigarettes…uphill. You’ll get very tired. You’ll then check yourself into a rest home where you will be molested my mole crickets.

Scorpio… Mars is on the cusp of Scorpio and in opposition. That’s s always a bad sign for you. In the not too distant future, someone will either domesticate you or castigate you. It could be Dennis Miller. You won’t be happy about either attempt.

Sagittarius…The Earth is in its eighth house doing some laundry. It hates doing laundry. That will bring you problems. Someday, you will stub your toes while listening to Stubby Kaye. Ouch!

Capricorn… Uranus is rising now and is grouchy about something. That means trouble for you. In the future, you will get painful sunburn when you grow sunflowers without using any sun blocker.

Aquarius… Neptune is in court over a sexual harassment case involving Venus. It doesn’t look good. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, your will enemies will try to sugar coat you and feed you to some ants. It won’t be pleasant. Sorry.

Pisces…Pluto is in its fifth house to get shelter from a solar dust storm. The dust is getting in from a broken window. Pluto isn’t happy about that, which portends problems for you. Someday, your relatives will think you creepy when you become engaged to a vampire bat. Let us know how that works out.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

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