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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Aug. 2nd, 2015


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Hi, fellow futuristic fanatics.

Welcome to another week of prognosticality.

This week’s episode is brought to you by Chester’s Chili-Pepper Toothpaste, for that wakeup “zing” in the morning.

Our weekly offering includes: flushing, fairies, and of course, a featherbed.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Moon is in Aries now and feels uncomfortable about it. That’s never a good sign. In the future, your enemies will try to cover you with a nasty veneer. It won’t be pleasant. Sorry.

Taurus… Neptune is co-adjunct to Taurus now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will flush with a flourish. People (including Dennis Miller) will shun you because they will think you are weird. Too bad.

Gemini… Saturn is in tri-semester while on the cusp of Gemini at this time. That’s not good. Soon you will become someone’s beast of burden. It will weight heavy on you. Let us know how that works out.

Cancer… Pluto is co-conjunctive and trine with Cancer now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will meet a derelict named Darryl in a dairy. You will lend him a lot of money, which he will gamble away on Lottery Scratch-off tickets and win nothing. He’ll never repay you. You will become depressed. Sorry about that.

Leo… The Sun is in high peri-hedral and square with Leo at this time. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will experience a frontal attack by your frontal lobe. It will drive you crazy. Sorry.

Virgo… Mars is in juxtaposition with Mercury now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will be trampled by a rogue hippocampus. You will spend the rest of your life (and lots of money) in therapy. Let us know how that works out.

Libra… Venus is tri-hedral with Libra at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will succumb to your urge to say, “I’ll get back to you on that.” each time someone asks you a question or makes a suggestion. Of course, you never will follow up on anything. You’ll be castigated.

Scorpio… The Earth is in hexi-treminial position at this time. That’s not good for a Scorpio. In the somewhat distant future, you will awaken to find yourself overcast and dreary. You will blame it on Global Warming. You will end up in therapy when all weather forecasters shun you. Sorry.

Sagittarius… Mercury is in nexus and tri-geminal with Sagittarius at the moment. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will be fooled by a nefarious fairy while on a ferry. It won’t be a pleasant experience. Too bad for you.

Capricorn… Uranus is semi-conjunctional with Capricorn at the moment. That’s not good. Here’s a grim prognostication for you. One day, little will you know, little by little, you will be belittled. Hey, it’s better than being bewitched. Let us know how that works out.

Aquarius… Jupiter is nearing the cusp of Aquarius but is tangent to Cancer. That foretells problems for you. Be alert and be weary. Someday, your enemies will attempt to paint you white and sell you in a White Elephant Sale. You will be bought for peanuts.

Pisces… Mars is in subjunctive mode at this time. That’s never a good position for a Pisces. In the distant future, you will soon take flight with a feather bed.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved


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Hello again dear friends.

Welcome to another edition of Your HORROR-Scope.

We are happy to report (according to emails we have received) that this weekly list of predictions now has an accuracy of over 99.99% (if you disregard the 99.99% of wrong predictions).

For those of you who are new to this publication, I am obligated to warn you of something. This isn’t your run of the mill (or mill of the run) Pollyanna horoscope your Aunt Millie turns to each day while reading the morning paper. This is a HORROR-Scope. There’s no sycophantic folderol going on here. This is real life being foretold for your reading pleasure.

Enough of that.

This week’s palaver (check that word out) involves sharks, dust, and of course, aardvarks. 

Once again, we hope you can cope!

Good day.

 

Aries… Jupiter is in opposition to Uranus now. That’s never good. In the future, you will spend many months and much money researching and writing a book called, “The Proper Use Of A Truss”. You will only sell a few copies to some weight lifters. You will lose everything and become depressed. Sorry.

Taurus… Venus is in perihelion and square with Taurus now. That portends problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will suddenly develop a fear of all electrolytes. Life will become miserable for you. Too bad.

Gemini… The Earth is in hexelion position at this time. That’s never good. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will see a watchmaker because you think your biological clock isn’t working right. You will be laughed out of the place. Hmmm…

Cancer… Neptune is in its fifth house now, getting rid of fleas after a recent visit by Pluto. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, you will open an Italian restaurant called, “Pus-Ta Primavera”. Your restaurant will feature pasta, with a hint of pus. It won’t be open long when the board of health find out about it. You will lose everything.

Leo… Mars is in trisential mode now. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months and much money researching and writing a book called, “How To Overcome Your Fear of Dust”. You will only sell a few copies to neat freaks and obsessive-compulsive people. Sorry about that.

Virgo… Mercury is in its third house now. It’s upset because it had to evict the tenants who trashed the place. That’s never good. In the not too distant future, your enemies will try to pawn you for some quick cash. The pawnshop owner will throw all of you out. You will become depressed over that.

Libra… The Sun is in its seventh house now after a fire damaged the place. It’s very upset over that. That means trouble for you. In the distant future, you will spend many months, and much money researching and writing a book called, How To Overcome Your Fear of Tear Ducts”. Only a few Ophthalmologists, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will lose a lot of money and respect. Sorry.

Scorpio… Saturn is considering bankruptcy at this time because it cannot make the payments on its fifth house. That’s not good. Someday, you will be known for you habit of walking down the street with an aardvark under each arm. You will be harassed by local animal rights groups who will make your life miserable.

Sagittarius… Mars is on the cups of Sagittarius now and trine with it. That’s never good for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months and much money researching and writing a book called, “How To Bring Nature Back Into Denatured Alcohol”. You will lose everything when only a few nutty scientists, and Weird Al buy a copy.

Capricorn… The Moon is hexagonal to Capricorn now and in opposition. That foretells problems for you. In the not too distant future, you will discover that your enemies are planning to use you as bait in a shark hunting expedition. You will spend many subsequent months in hiding.

Aquarius… Uranus is in trimonal mode now and in opposition to Aquarius now. That’s not good. In the future, you will be shocked to see photos of your face on a calendar…from the mid-1800’s. That’s weird. Let us know how that works out for you.

Pisces… Pluto is upset by the recent fly by of that U.S. probe. That’s bad for you. Someday, you will succumb to your desire to become a dental hygienist specializing in shark’s teeth. You will eventually suffer from the bends. Sorry.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

The Fortune Cookie For: July 21st, 2015


 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, “The Fortune Cookie”, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“To know what you don’t know is to know it. You know?”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 19th, 2015


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Welcome back stargazers, and freshmen hazers.

This week’s selection of predictions range from rodeo clowns to pink eye.

We hope you can cope.

Enjoy…

Aries… Neptune is discombobulated right now and doesn’t like it. That means trouble. In the future, you will reach a happy medium in life, but that medium will eventually become depressed. Then you will become depressed. Let us know how that works out.

Taurus… Uranus is in declination now. That’s always bad for a Taurus. In the future, you will have a case of pink eye just after you evolve into a white rabbit. You will be hounded after that. Sorry.

Gemini… Pluto is becoming paranoid over a rumor it’s heard, that its enemies are planning to neuter it. That’s not good. In the future, you will awaken to find you have grown two more elbows. You will try surgery, but the doctors will make a mistake and transplant knee joints on your arms. You will walk out of the hospital on your hands. Later, you will have a Side-Show career.

Cancer… The Earth is not happy about the recent one-second change in Earth Time. That’s not good. In the not too distant future, your enemies will try to saddle you after they horseshoe you. It will be painful. Sorry

Leo… Mars is in financial trouble now due to excess spending. Mercury refuses to lend Mars any more money until it pays back the previous loan. That’s spells trouble for you. In the future, you will meet a cowboy who will suddenly turn into a cowman. You will try to steer clear of him, but you ‘ll be unsuccessful. Eventually he will hog-tie you. Then he will depart.

Virgo… The Moon is peri-helial conjunction now. That’s never good for a Virgo. In the future, you will fall in love with a Rodeo Clown named Amos. That’s no bull! Unfortunately he will take you to work on one of those, “Take Your Friend To Work” days, and you’ll be gored. Too bad for you.

Libra… The Sun is tri-hexular to Libra at the moment. It’s always a bad sign for Libras. In the future, you will become very popular. You will have many dates, then figs, then prunes. After a while, people will avoid you because of your peculiarities. You’ll become depressed. Sorry.

Scorpio… Saturn is having another ring cleaning at the moment. It isn’t going well. In the future, you will run into many doors, or suffer from multiple saddle sores. It isn’t clear. In either case, it will be painful. Let us know how that works out.

Sagittarius… Mercury is disjointed at its peri-hedral at this time. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will be out jumped by a jump drive, or flashed by a flash drive. You won’t be happy about either experience. Too bad for you.

Capricorn… Venus is in angular declination at this time. That foretells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Be Curt For Fun And Profit”. You will sell just one copy to Dennis Miller. You will not be happy about the whole experience. Sorry.

Aquarius… Jupiter is being cross-pollinated by an asteroid at the moment and doesn’t like it. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the distant future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Coddle For Fun And Profit”. You will spend all your money on the project with little return. Sorry.

Pisces… Once again, Uranus is petitioning the Solar Court right now to have its name changed because of all the stupid jokes about it. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months, and lots of money, researching and writing a book called, “How To Be Vague For Fun And Profit”. Only a few politicians will buy a copy. You will become depressed.

That’s it folks!

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 12th, 2015


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Hi there dear friends of tomorrow, and days after that.

Once again we were hard at work scanning the charts in search of the best of the best prognostications to make your lives a little better.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t find any.

So here we are again with another round of problems for you.

They include aardvarks, corn pone, and of course, knife juggling.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mars is in its second house after a break-in by solar bandits. It’s upset. That isn’t good for you. In the distant future, you will research and write a book called, “Where To Park Your Poultice”. Only a few hypochondriacs and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will lose money on the venture. Sorry.

Taurus… The Earth is in regression now. That’s never a good sign for a Taurus. In the somewhat distant future, you will research and write an interactive book called, “How To Teach Your Aardvark To Polka”. Only Weird Al will buy a copy, but he will sue you when he finds out you used his music without permission. Too bad.

Gemini… Mercury is rising so fast it’s getting a headache. That’s never good. In the somewhat distant future, your enemies will use a marker to connect the pimples on your face to outline an obscene object. You will be arrested for being in public with an obscene object drawn on your face. The fine will be a hefty one.

Cancer…Venus is in its second house trying to fix a water leak. It isn’t going well. That’s bad for you. In the not too distant future, you will lose many friends after you win a garlic-eating contest at a county fair. Whew!

Leo… The Sun is in its ninth house discussing a zoning violation with the Solar Police. That’s bad for you. In the somewhat distant future, your enemies will add you to a corn pone mixture. That won’t be fun or tasty. Sorry.

Virgo… Neptune is descending into a funk at this time. That’s never good for a Virgo. Someday, in the distant future, you will research and write a book called, “How To Brighten Your Life By Playing The Fife With Someone Else’s Wife”. That will prove disastrous when readers get caught in the act. They will sue you for all you’ve got. Too bad.

Libra… Saturn is in its second house regarding a solar rat problem. That’s not good for you. Someday, in the far future, you will research and write a book called, “Knife Juggling Blindfolded For Fun And Profit”. Only a few circus performers, will buy a copy. You’ll lose everything on that venture.

Scorpio… Pluto is alarmed over the recent attention it’s getting paranoid. That’s never good. In the distant future, your enemies will try sell you at a garage sale. No one will buy you, and you’ll become depressed over that.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now and isn’t happy about it since Mars snubbed it at a recent party. That’s not good for you. One day, a mad scientist will kidnap you and make you his minion. It won’t go well for you in the lab. Sorry.

Capricorn…The Moon is adjacent to Capricorn now and it’s nervous about that for some reason. That spells trouble for you. Someday, in the far future, you will encounter a computer that’s a main frame or have a near miss by a Maine train. Either way, it won’t be a pleasant experience. Sorry.

Aquarius…Mars is in opposition to Aquarius now. That’s never a good sign. In the not too distant future, you will be arrested for jostling someone named Jocelyn. You will spend the night in jail with some very disturbing people. You will do a lot of screaming.

Pisces… Uranus is descending so fast, it’s getting overheated. That’s never good. In the future, you will convince yourself that there really is an Umpa-Lumpa Land. You will spend the rest of your life searching for it. You will become penniless and depressed.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 5th, 2015


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Hello again serious solar scanners.

This week’s prognostications are as weird as ever.

They include gravel, guile, and perhaps a smile.

I hope you enjoy them in spite of their repercussions.

Good day.

Aries… The Moon is adjacent to Aries and feels awkward about it. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will think you are clever when you come up with the question, “What’s the shelf life of a shelf?”. You will present your query to everyone you meet. People will think you’re odd. They will avoid you at all costs. So sorry.

Taurus… Uranus is feeling queasy from a sudden descent toward Taurus. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will convince yourself that using substrate can solve the world’s problems. No one will believe you. You will become depressed. Sorry about that.

Gemini… Jupiter is aligned with Mercury now and doesn’t like it. That will bring you problems. One day, you’ll go ­stir crazy when your electric beaters stop working. Life will become unbearable. You’ll eat out more often and gain much weight. You’ll become bottom heavy and wobble a lot.

Cancer… Mars is on the cusp of Cancer now but wants to be trine. That’s never a good sign. Someday you will either take a nasty tasting pill, or meet someone revolting named Phil. We’re not sure. Good luck in either case.

Leo… The Sun is getting over a gas attack and is not feeling well. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will consume loads of sugar to overcome bitter tears. You will gain fifty pounds, and lose all your teeth as a result. Sorry about that.

Virgo… Venus is faltering at the moment. That will bring you problems. In the not too distant future, you will do something awful with isopropyl. You will be arrested for the improper use of a chemical in a “No Wake” zone. Sorry.

Libra… Mercury is aligned with Jupiter at this time. It doesn’t like that alignment. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Grovel With Gravel”. Outside of a few construction workers, no one will buy the book. You’ll become depressed.

Scorpio… Pluto is in its fifth house trying to get warm. The heat isn’t working. That means trouble for you. In the future, you will you’ll meet a lawyer named Louie or a liar named Larry or a lying lawyer named Lefty. In any case, you will befriend him. He will embezzle all your money. Sorry.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the cusp of Sagittarius now but isn’t happy about that for some reason. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will be accused of guile when you wear your favorite argyles. People won’t trust you. You will become depressed over it. So sorry.

Capricorn… Saturn is waning now. That’s always a bad sign for a Capricorn. In the future, you will pull out your hair in despair when you can’t decide what to wear in order to scare. What a dilemma! You will be not be happy.

Aquarius… The Earth is trine and in opposition to Aquarius at this time. That always spells trouble. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Savor Sauerkraut For Fun And Profit”. You will only sell a few copies to German Chefs, and one to Dennis Miller. Oh well.

Pisces… Mercury is on the cusp of Pisces but wants to be square. That’s never good for a Pisces. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “Fighting Fire With A Fickle Ficus”. Only a few arborists and a Forest Ranger will buy a copy. You’ll suffer from angst afterwards. Sorry.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 

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