Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Aug. 2nd, 2015
Hi, fellow futuristic fanatics.
Welcome to another week of prognosticality.
This week’s episode is brought to you by Chester’s Chili-Pepper Toothpaste, for that wakeup “zing” in the morning.
Our weekly offering includes: flushing, fairies, and of course, a featherbed.
Aries… The Moon is in Aries now and feels uncomfortable about it. That’s never a good sign. In the future, your enemies will try to cover you with a nasty veneer. It won’t be pleasant. Sorry.
Taurus… Neptune is co-adjunct to Taurus now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will flush with a flourish. People (including Dennis Miller) will shun you because they will think you are weird. Too bad.
Gemini… Saturn is in tri-semester while on the cusp of Gemini at this time. That’s not good. Soon you will become someone’s beast of burden. It will weight heavy on you. Let us know how that works out.
Cancer… Pluto is co-conjunctive and trine with Cancer now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will meet a derelict named Darryl in a dairy. You will lend him a lot of money, which he will gamble away on Lottery Scratch-off tickets and win nothing. He’ll never repay you. You will become depressed. Sorry about that.
Leo… The Sun is in high peri-hedral and square with Leo at this time. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will experience a frontal attack by your frontal lobe. It will drive you crazy. Sorry.
Virgo… Mars is in juxtaposition with Mercury now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will be trampled by a rogue hippocampus. You will spend the rest of your life (and lots of money) in therapy. Let us know how that works out.
Libra… Venus is tri-hedral with Libra at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will succumb to your urge to say, “I’ll get back to you on that.” each time someone asks you a question or makes a suggestion. Of course, you never will follow up on anything. You’ll be castigated.
Scorpio… The Earth is in hexi-treminial position at this time. That’s not good for a Scorpio. In the somewhat distant future, you will awaken to find yourself overcast and dreary. You will blame it on Global Warming. You will end up in therapy when all weather forecasters shun you. Sorry.
Sagittarius… Mercury is in nexus and tri-geminal with Sagittarius at the moment. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will be fooled by a nefarious fairy while on a ferry. It won’t be a pleasant experience. Too bad for you.
Capricorn… Uranus is semi-conjunctional with Capricorn at the moment. That’s not good. Here’s a grim prognostication for you. One day, little will you know, little by little, you will be belittled. Hey, it’s better than being bewitched. Let us know how that works out.
Aquarius… Jupiter is nearing the cusp of Aquarius but is tangent to Cancer. That foretells problems for you. Be alert and be weary. Someday, your enemies will attempt to paint you white and sell you in a White Elephant Sale. You will be bought for peanuts.
Pisces… Mars is in subjunctive mode at this time. That’s never a good position for a Pisces. In the distant future, you will soon take flight with a feather bed.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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