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astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again serious solar scanners.

This week’s prognostications are as weird as ever.

They include gravel, guile, and perhaps a smile.

I hope you enjoy them in spite of their repercussions.

Good day.

Aries… The Moon is adjacent to Aries and feels awkward about it. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will think you are clever when you come up with the question, “What’s the shelf life of a shelf?”. You will present your query to everyone you meet. People will think you’re odd. They will avoid you at all costs. So sorry.

Taurus… Uranus is feeling queasy from a sudden descent toward Taurus. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will convince yourself that using substrate can solve the world’s problems. No one will believe you. You will become depressed. Sorry about that.

Gemini… Jupiter is aligned with Mercury now and doesn’t like it. That will bring you problems. One day, you’ll go ­stir crazy when your electric beaters stop working. Life will become unbearable. You’ll eat out more often and gain much weight. You’ll become bottom heavy and wobble a lot.

Cancer… Mars is on the cusp of Cancer now but wants to be trine. That’s never a good sign. Someday you will either take a nasty tasting pill, or meet someone revolting named Phil. We’re not sure. Good luck in either case.

Leo… The Sun is getting over a gas attack and is not feeling well. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will consume loads of sugar to overcome bitter tears. You will gain fifty pounds, and lose all your teeth as a result. Sorry about that.

Virgo… Venus is faltering at the moment. That will bring you problems. In the not too distant future, you will do something awful with isopropyl. You will be arrested for the improper use of a chemical in a “No Wake” zone. Sorry.

Libra… Mercury is aligned with Jupiter at this time. It doesn’t like that alignment. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Grovel With Gravel”. Outside of a few construction workers, no one will buy the book. You’ll become depressed.

Scorpio… Pluto is in its fifth house trying to get warm. The heat isn’t working. That means trouble for you. In the future, you will you’ll meet a lawyer named Louie or a liar named Larry or a lying lawyer named Lefty. In any case, you will befriend him. He will embezzle all your money. Sorry.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the cusp of Sagittarius now but isn’t happy about that for some reason. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will be accused of guile when you wear your favorite argyles. People won’t trust you. You will become depressed over it. So sorry.

Capricorn… Saturn is waning now. That’s always a bad sign for a Capricorn. In the future, you will pull out your hair in despair when you can’t decide what to wear in order to scare. What a dilemma! You will be not be happy.

Aquarius… The Earth is trine and in opposition to Aquarius at this time. That always spells trouble. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Savor Sauerkraut For Fun And Profit”. You will only sell a few copies to German Chefs, and one to Dennis Miller. Oh well.

Pisces… Mercury is on the cusp of Pisces but wants to be square. That’s never good for a Pisces. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “Fighting Fire With A Fickle Ficus”. Only a few arborists and a Forest Ranger will buy a copy. You’ll suffer from angst afterwards. Sorry.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 

Comments on: "Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 5th, 2015" (1)

  1. Leo: what? lose my teeth? NO, NOT MY TEETH!

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