Hi there dear friends of tomorrow, and days after that.
Once again we were hard at work scanning the charts in search of the best of the best prognostications to make your lives a little better.
Unfortunately, we couldn’t find any.
So here we are again with another round of problems for you.
They include aardvarks, corn pone, and of course, knife juggling.
Aries… Mars is in its second house after a break-in by solar bandits. It’s upset. That isn’t good for you. In the distant future, you will research and write a book called, “Where To Park Your Poultice”. Only a few hypochondriacs and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will lose money on the venture. Sorry.
Taurus… The Earth is in regression now. That’s never a good sign for a Taurus. In the somewhat distant future, you will research and write an interactive book called, “How To Teach Your Aardvark To Polka”. Only Weird Al will buy a copy, but he will sue you when he finds out you used his music without permission. Too bad.
Gemini… Mercury is rising so fast it’s getting a headache. That’s never good. In the somewhat distant future, your enemies will use a marker to connect the pimples on your face to outline an obscene object. You will be arrested for being in public with an obscene object drawn on your face. The fine will be a hefty one.
Cancer…Venus is in its second house trying to fix a water leak. It isn’t going well. That’s bad for you. In the not too distant future, you will lose many friends after you win a garlic-eating contest at a county fair. Whew!
Leo… The Sun is in its ninth house discussing a zoning violation with the Solar Police. That’s bad for you. In the somewhat distant future, your enemies will add you to a corn pone mixture. That won’t be fun or tasty. Sorry.
Virgo… Neptune is descending into a funk at this time. That’s never good for a Virgo. Someday, in the distant future, you will research and write a book called, “How To Brighten Your Life By Playing The Fife With Someone Else’s Wife”. That will prove disastrous when readers get caught in the act. They will sue you for all you’ve got. Too bad.
Libra… Saturn is in its second house regarding a solar rat problem. That’s not good for you. Someday, in the far future, you will research and write a book called, “Knife Juggling Blindfolded For Fun And Profit”. Only a few circus performers, will buy a copy. You’ll lose everything on that venture.
Scorpio… Pluto is alarmed over the recent attention it’s getting paranoid. That’s never good. In the distant future, your enemies will try sell you at a garage sale. No one will buy you, and you’ll become depressed over that.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now and isn’t happy about it since Mars snubbed it at a recent party. That’s not good for you. One day, a mad scientist will kidnap you and make you his minion. It won’t go well for you in the lab. Sorry.
Capricorn…The Moon is adjacent to Capricorn now and it’s nervous about that for some reason. That spells trouble for you. Someday, in the far future, you will encounter a computer that’s a main frame or have a near miss by a Maine train. Either way, it won’t be a pleasant experience. Sorry.
Aquarius…Mars is in opposition to Aquarius now. That’s never a good sign. In the not too distant future, you will be arrested for jostling someone named Jocelyn. You will spend the night in jail with some very disturbing people. You will do a lot of screaming.
Pisces… Uranus is descending so fast, it’s getting overheated. That’s never good. In the future, you will convince yourself that there really is an Umpa-Lumpa Land. You will spend the rest of your life searching for it. You will become penniless and depressed.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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