Welcome back stargazers, and freshmen hazers.
This week’s selection of predictions range from rodeo clowns to pink eye.
We hope you can cope.
Aries… Neptune is discombobulated right now and doesn’t like it. That means trouble. In the future, you will reach a happy medium in life, but that medium will eventually become depressed. Then you will become depressed. Let us know how that works out.
Taurus… Uranus is in declination now. That’s always bad for a Taurus. In the future, you will have a case of pink eye just after you evolve into a white rabbit. You will be hounded after that. Sorry.
Gemini… Pluto is becoming paranoid over a rumor it’s heard, that its enemies are planning to neuter it. That’s not good. In the future, you will awaken to find you have grown two more elbows. You will try surgery, but the doctors will make a mistake and transplant knee joints on your arms. You will walk out of the hospital on your hands. Later, you will have a Side-Show career.
Cancer… The Earth is not happy about the recent one-second change in Earth Time. That’s not good. In the not too distant future, your enemies will try to saddle you after they horseshoe you. It will be painful. Sorry
Leo… Mars is in financial trouble now due to excess spending. Mercury refuses to lend Mars any more money until it pays back the previous loan. That’s spells trouble for you. In the future, you will meet a cowboy who will suddenly turn into a cowman. You will try to steer clear of him, but you ‘ll be unsuccessful. Eventually he will hog-tie you. Then he will depart.
Virgo… The Moon is peri-helial conjunction now. That’s never good for a Virgo. In the future, you will fall in love with a Rodeo Clown named Amos. That’s no bull! Unfortunately he will take you to work on one of those, “Take Your Friend To Work” days, and you’ll be gored. Too bad for you.
Libra… The Sun is tri-hexular to Libra at the moment. It’s always a bad sign for Libras. In the future, you will become very popular. You will have many dates, then figs, then prunes. After a while, people will avoid you because of your peculiarities. You’ll become depressed. Sorry.
Scorpio… Saturn is having another ring cleaning at the moment. It isn’t going well. In the future, you will run into many doors, or suffer from multiple saddle sores. It isn’t clear. In either case, it will be painful. Let us know how that works out.
Sagittarius… Mercury is disjointed at its peri-hedral at this time. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will be out jumped by a jump drive, or flashed by a flash drive. You won’t be happy about either experience. Too bad for you.
Capricorn… Venus is in angular declination at this time. That foretells trouble for you. In the distant future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Be Curt For Fun And Profit”. You will sell just one copy to Dennis Miller. You will not be happy about the whole experience. Sorry.
Aquarius… Jupiter is being cross-pollinated by an asteroid at the moment and doesn’t like it. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the distant future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Coddle For Fun And Profit”. You will spend all your money on the project with little return. Sorry.
Pisces… Once again, Uranus is petitioning the Solar Court right now to have its name changed because of all the stupid jokes about it. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months, and lots of money, researching and writing a book called, “How To Be Vague For Fun And Profit”. Only a few politicians will buy a copy. You will become depressed.
That’s it folks!
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
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