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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: August 30th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again, my friends.

Here’s this week’s group of prognostications designed to keep you out of trouble (if that’s even possible).

They range from pierogies to cadavers, and of course we can’t forget the lug nuts.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is trans-jected against Mercury now. That’s not good for you. Someday, will constantly drool into a pool. People will think you’re a fool, and shun you. Sorry about that.

Taurus… Saturn is appositionally adjacent to Taurus at this time. That’s never a good omen. One day soon, you will suddenly find it amusing to chew with your mouth open while in public. People will then eschew you. Sorry.

Gemini… The Sun is post-conjected to Gemini now. That’s never good. In the future, you will write a book called, “How To Polish A Pierogi”. You will sell many copies, but you will gain three hundred pounds in pierogies doing the research.

Cancer… Neptune is tri-genical to Mars at this time. That’s an unfortunate pairing. One day in the future, you will have an eye refraction or suffer a fracture. It could go either way. In any case, it won’t be a pleasant experience. Sorry.

Leo… Mercury is in projected di-urnal now. That will bring you trouble. In the distant future, you will either kiss a cadet or a cadaver. In either case, it won’t be a pleasant experience. Sorry.

Virgo… Uranus is semi-conjunctive with the Moon now. That’s never favorable. Not long from now, you will be robbed in Istanbul or gored by a bull. It could go either way. It won’t be pleasant.

Libra… The Earth is super-trigenital to Libra at this time. That will bring you problems. One day in the future, will be kidnapped by elves who will tickle your fancy day and night. You will grow tired of it quickly and become frustrated.

Scorpio… Pluto is nearing its transcendence now. It foretells trouble for you. In the future you will awaken to find yourself fertilizing a manure pile.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is tri-orbital to The Earth now. That’s a negative sign for you. You will awaken one morning to find that you’re out of your mind. You will try to get back in, but the door will be locked. Sorry.

Capricorn… The moon is in Capricorn now and doesn’t like it. That means trouble. In the future, you will write a book called, “How To Love Your Lug Nuts”. Only a few auto mechanics will but a copy. You will become depressed. Sorry about that.

Aquarius… Venus is post-conjected at this time. That foretells trouble for you. Somewhere, sometime, you will drop someone’s name. It will break. They’ll become upset, and you’ll lose everything as a result. So sorry.

Pisces… Mars is in its fifth house now planning a poker party. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. In the future, your friends and family will abandon you when you keep insisting that you live with an invisible, two headed unicorn named, Putzy Pie.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: August 23rd, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello, hello my friends of the future world.

Once again we meet on this WP platform, which has been wobbly from time to time.

I’m sure you are ready for this week’s listing of prognostications of tomorrow and beyond.

It includes bears, fiber, and of course a eyebrows.

I hope you can endure it, cause I can’t cure it.

Enjoy, my friends… 

Aries… The Moon is in Aries now and is feeling nauseous about it. That’s never a good sign. Soon, you won’t know the difference between the soup du jour and some old Ensure, but your taste buds will. Yuck.

Taurus… Mercury is tri-congenital now against Taurus. That portends problems for you. One day, you will fall in love with a muffin top. You will double date with a Babka lover. Your friends and family will think you are weird and shun you.

Gemini… Neptune is rising at a much slower rate than usual. That’s not good. Someday in the future, your life will be full of sunshine as you hurtle toward the sun. Ouch!

Cancer… The Sun is in Astro projection and square with Cancer at this time. It foretells trouble for you. Someday, your lover will shower you with rose petals…after you’re thrown on a compost heap. Good luck with that.

Leo… Mars is contra-square with Leo now. That’s never a good sign for a Leo. In the future, you will lose everything when you put all of your money into an “Earlobe Lock” investment.

Virgo… Venus is waning now and whining about it. That will bring you trouble. In the future, you will eat so much fiber that one morning you will awaken to discover you have turned into a rope. You will become depressed, but cowboys will love to twirl you. Good luck with that.

Libra… Saturn is juxta-polar position now. That foretells problems for you. Not long from now, you will find yourself in a fog bank. You will become depressed when you realize you aren’t earning interest on any of your deposits.

Scorpio… The Earth is cross linked with Scorpio at this time. That’s never a good sign. One day you will be showered with hugs from a band of roving grizzly bears. Ouch!

Sagittarius… Uranus is in non-objective tangentation to Sagittarius now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will write a bestselling book called, “How To Chant Your Way To Success”. Only a few Yoga instructors, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will then chant your way into depression. Sorry.

Capricorn… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars now and that isn’t good for you. Not long from now, you will awaken to find you have been transformed into an Iron-on patch fastened, on the rear end of a pair of pants, worn by a long haul truck driver. Yuck.

Aquarius… Venus is on the cusp of Aquarius but semi-conjunctive. That’s a horrible sign. You will not be happy when an eyebrow tech, or a harpist plucks you. Ouch!

Pisces… Pluto is back in court with its lawyer with a new petition to make it a planet again. It’s not going well. That’s bad for you. One day you will wake up with a permanent smile on your face. People will think you are devious. They will shun you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: August 16th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day, dear friends of prognostication.

Another week has flown by the wayside.

Here we are dishing up another plate of premonitions based on the latest Astro-illogical charts we could find.

This weeks forecasts include actors, hairy fish, and of course a white rabbit.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Sun is in high triangulation with Aries at this time. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will blame all that goes, or has gone wrong in your life on the Troglodytes and Dennis Miller. Your friends and family will get fed up with your ranting and abandon you.

Taurus… Saturn is in its fourth house now feeding the tropical fish. One has died, and Saturn is upset since it was a favorite. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will spend lots of time and money attempting to grow hair on fish to keep them warm in cold waters.

Gemini… The Moon is in low angular agitation now. That’s never good. In the not too distant future, you will have the compulsion to stalk either Goldie Hawn, or James LeBron. It could go either way. It won’t end well for you. Have money available to bond out of jail.

Cancer… The Earth is nearing the cusp of Cancer but in juxta-conjunction to Mars. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop a tendency to yawn while in the john. It won’t be pleasant.

Leo… Mars is in retrograde and bipolar now. That’s not a good sign for you. Someday, you will awaken after being hypnotized to find yourself kitting a ham dinner for your family. It will have the taste and smell of wet wool. Sorry.

Virgo… Mercury is destabilized at this time. That foretells problems for you. In the far future, a band of roving actors will stop you and demand to see your part. It won’t go well for you.

Libra… Venus is tri-circumferent at this time. That portends trouble for you. In the somewhat distant future, you will awaken one morning with the secrets of the universe locked in your head, but you won’t remember the combination.

Scorpio… Jupiter has shifted to a tri-genic orbit at this time. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will survive a mine explosion without a scratch. But, you will be injured when you experience a mime explosion. Sorry about that.

Sagittarius… Pluto is bipolar at this time. That’s never good for you. Be sure to have a towel with you at all times. In the future, you will bungle the bath of a bunny in a bungalow. It won’t end well.

Capricorn… Uranus is triamenic to Capricorn at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the near future, you will encounter Yoda, or Yoyo Ma. It could go either way. In either case, one or the other will bring you bad news.

Aquarius… Mars is adjacent to Aquarius but at an odd angle. That will bring you problems. In the distant future, our loved ones will worship the ground you walk on, but despise you. Sorry.

Pisces… Saturn is trine with Pisces and in opposition to it. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will have a case of pink eye just after you change into a white rabbit.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Aug. 9th, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello people of Earth.

We hope all is well with you at this time.

If not, this week’s predictions will fall right into place for you.

They involve Pit Bulls, Groucho Marx, and of curse a rotten rind.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Sun is in tri-modal position now. That’s not good. In the future, you will have the urge to return to the hospital where you were born and demand a refund on yourself.

Taurus… Uranus is in juxtaposing to Taurus now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will have the urge to get even with someone by being odd.

Gemini… Neptune is in dire need of therapy right now. That’s means trouble. In the future, you will write a bestselling book called, “Pit Bulls And Pierogis”. Only a few lonely Polish folks will buy a copy. You will not be happy about the whole thing.

Cancer… The Moon is in half aspect now. That’s unfortunate. In the future, you will be involved in a chain reaction. Relax; it will only be a tarnishing event. But, your friends will eventually pawn you for a few dollars.

Leo… Mars is in its fifth house now on an alcohol binge. That’s always bad. In the distant future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “Gaucho, The Sixth Marx Brother, (Twin of Groucho)”.

Virgo… Jupiter is aligned with Neptune now. Too bad for you. Someday, you will join a religious group. You will later blame all your misfortunes on your altar ego.

Libra… Mercury is in its third house at this time suffering from an allergic reaction to space dust. That always foretells problems. In the distant future, you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “Ear Wax Sculpture For Fun And Profit”. You will lose all when sales drop from two to zero. Depression will set in.

Scorpio… The Earth is in its fourth house now and it’s on an eating binge. Hmmm. That’s never good. You will make millions with your book entitled, “Meandering for Fun and Profit”.

Sagittarius… Venus is post-uranal at this time. That portends problems for you. Your enemies are secretly planning to flash freeze you, so bring a heavy jacket, and gloves.

Capricorn… Saturn is rising now, but a bit too early in its orbit. That’s not good. One day in the future, you will make plans for a pouting party. Dennis Miller will be there.

Aquarius… Pluto is in retrograde and on the cusp of Aquarius at this time. That’s never good. One day, you will be convinced that you must devise a way to attack a rotten rind from behind.

Pisces… Mars is trine with Pisces now. That’s never good. Soon you will shout from the pain of gout while you are out and about. Sorry about that.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

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